Perception

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." ~ Anais Nin

After every few moments of turning the knob, the water grows from warm to hot. I finally sit naked, vulnerable on the shower floor. My knees folded to my chest, pressed against my breasts. Neck bent, hair stuck to my face. I can feel the water gathering and moving down to my chin and draining off.

As the heat is turning my skin bright pink I hope the water is washing away the delusion I had been holding onto.

There are few things as hard to take than the realization the world you have built is not entirely true. Perception is a tricky concept.

Tonight I began to wonder, this intuitive knowledge had begun to sweep over me. Then I had to ask. The answer of course proved my instincts correct. Almost instantly my gut wrenched, my body closed. My perception of my world has changed.

So in the shower I sat, washing away the old so I could therefore live in the more real, accurate world. Like any change or realization that transforms how you see things it is not easy to take in. Take in I must.

Skin warm and pink I turn off the shower and dry off. Ready to begin living in this new vision. Adaptation is essential to survival. Survival is the key to living.

We should always be willing to learn new things. Allow ourselves to grow and change. To appreciate what we have. It is out of desire and disappointment that we suffer. We must acknowledge, accept, appreciate, and adapt.

This process will change that evil necessity to label things as either good or bad to just is. It is the just is we live in, and it is the just is we learn from.

So here is to our perceptions, the reality behind them, and the growing we must acheive to be better people.

"To begin with, our perception of the world is deformed, incomplete. Then our memory is selective. Finally, writting transforms." ~Claude Simon

Adytum

While I hear rustling of the footsteps, I am silent

Near the edge of inner-awareness, I realize I exist

Quiet, Breath, and Reflection

This is what I am

This is what I feel

This is my Adytum

My fascination with certain words has been apparent in previous posts. I tend to latch onto a word and hold it. Many times I fear sharing the word. You cannot hold onto a word like a physical piece of property. Something to hide or that has monetary value, not words. Language is far more precious than that.

Yet, it is that word that often brings warmth, connection, significance, or some sort of realization that I want to hold dear. To share the word often exposes a part of me that I may not be fully ready to share. Fearful to allow such exposure to an inner world be opened up.

This blog has been though just that in the past. So what a more perfect place than to allow the safety net to drop than here?

I partly blame my high school English teacher, Mrs. Harper who had me write an entire paper over the word nostalgia. It was a daunting task that I dragged my feet doing the entire time. Looking back I think I owe her a huge thank you note. Perhaps over the word thankful…

My iTouch has given me the word of the day. Adytum.

Adytum - noun - a sacred place that the public is forbidden to enter; an inner shrine

Throughout my adolescent years much of my poetry had contained many remarks or references to a building of my own world. More recently I often find myself reverting to a world of my own that I do not allow many in. Usually it resides amongst the stalks of a corn field, or listening to a Great Lake whisper secrets to me as a new friend watches silently by. In any case we all have our own adytum.

The place we go to for reassurance, to regain composure, center ourselves, so we may reconnect with the universe and the people around us.

I am unsure if we truly allow anyone in. We may allow them to walk among the garden, sit in our library, or eat dinner. To truly go to our inner shrine, our sanctuary, that is an honorary exception. Often those visits are short lived, a breath, a blink of an eye and it is gone. For me when someone gets that close to stepping inside I want to push away.

How could someone feel comfortable inside such an intimate place that is designed for someone else? Would there be understanding? Approval? Is there need for approval? The fact that this is an individual’s safe place, their own world, the fear of it not being acceptable could indeed shatter it. Thus no longer being our very own place, and if we allowed everyone in, it would no longer be forbidden or private.

There are times though when we as individuals wish to penetrate those walls, asks for the key to the gates, and want to do more than just visit. How do we give those keys over?

This world of our own is not always a specific place we go to, but sometimes just the inner feelings we do not like to share or wish to keep to ourselves. The underlying connections or emotions that we keep to ourselves, or in the least try to.

Right now I feel a little uncomfortable and yet at the same time safer, almost a strange relief comes over me when I realize that someone else is able to see into my world at times. The vision he sees is not always clear, and the physical cues are not obvious, but he knows where my mind is at.

To have someone able to do this, almost feel a connection that words cannot describe, is scary and yet not. Allowing someone into my inner world may not be my first desire, I am perplexed and curious. How will this impact my life? How does this effect my relationship? What if….

My what ifs must not override or take control. I need to learn to trust my adytum, my inner world and sanctuary. Allowing one person in will not mean a whole floodgate will open for the masses, but could mean for an amazing partnership.

While I hear rustling of the footsteps, I am silent

Near the edge of inner-awareness, I realize I exist

Quiet, Breath, and Reflection

This is what I am

This is what I feel

This is my Adytum

"What Would Jesus Do?"

“Humility is the only true wisdom by which we prepare our minds for all the possible changes of life.” ~George Arliss

Often times we read or speak of humility. Words such as humble, honest, and modest accompany; or it is compared against arrogance or pride. How many of us could accurately define humility? I, myself, was forming a list of synonyms before I could come up with a precise definition.

Humility - noun - the quality or condition of being humble modest

opinion or estimate of one’s own importance, rank etc

All of my readers know that I am very, (perhaps I should say VERY) opinionated. What many do not know, or able to see in the back screen is my process of getting to the opinions I have, had or will have. Yes, I said had, or will have. The past and present tense.

Part of growing and developing, or discovering, is changing, or evolving. Evolution is a natural adaptation, a change over time. Without placing myself as a small participant of the humankind, or creatures in general, I could never learn about the amazing concepts, theories, and workings of the world.

In our “civilized” society though, too many times do we forget that. As humans we place ourselves as the biggest, and most important part of the world and nature. The world revolves around us, not us as a part of the world.

Having the ‘unfortunate’ opportunity of having access to television the past two weeks I have became so irate, angry, completely overwhelmed with my emotional barriers to intellectual growth. Then again how much intellectual growth can one really achieve in front of the “boob” tube?

There is a huge movement in our life time that many people are acutely aware of, or are extremely afraid of and thus denial sets in. I am speaking of the growing numbers in those who are stepping out of the closet and admitting to losing their faith in the organized religion they struggle to hold on to or their complete lack of faith.

Before you exit, finish reading. I promise this is not a religion bashing post. Rather a reflection of how a lack of humility may be a cause of losing ground, not just in the religious numbers, but in any controversial issue.

Without being able to be humble, modest, remove our idea of self importance, we can not remove the importance we place on personal issues. Many are strong advocates of the Special Olympics. Why? Because it touches their lives in some form. Breast Cancer Awareness Month, March of Dimes, Teen Pregnancy Centers, the list goes on. These issues do affect society as a whole, but more directly and a harder impact on those who are connected to those issues.

Our inability to remove that strong connection can be counterproductive to our desired result. Being blinded by our own emotions does not allow us to see another perspective, solution, or path that could ultimately contribute to our desired goal.

While sometimes we may be giving up a little bit of ground, we could in the end win the race. For example, a middle school in the North Eastern portion of the United States is allowing children to exchange gifts on their own time in the school. Calling a decorated tree a holiday tree, and seasons greetings. Many Christians are upset. They feel they are losing ground and control. Perhaps if they could step back and see that the children are still allowed to say “Merry Christmas”, they could see that the students in the Christian faith are not losing anything. If at all anything their strength to continue without “adult” guidance or a school “Christmas” party, should make many believers smile. Warmth should feel your hearts. Why? Because it is this generation of students that will show the true warmth of what many preach “Jesus” is about. Compassion, love, acceptance. A few steps back, and twice as many forward.

I have seen the movie “Pay It Forward” on television several times as of late. How one act can indeed cause a true domino effect. You may say, wait a minute, didn’t that kid die? Yes, he did. His life was cut short. The point though is what he did with that life. Every time he felt like his choice in his plan had failed he choose a different path and tried again. He re-evaluated the situation. That young boy placed himself on the small scale, and thought about the picture as a whole.

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” ~Rick Warren

So, my challenge to myself and you this “Holiday/Christmas/Kwanza/Hanaku/Whatever” Season is this: “What Would Jesus Do?” Are you lost yet? If so then you missed the point and I encourage you to reflect and re-read. If you are smiling, and some of you shaking your head while laughing (giggles) then you caught my point.

Have an amazing transition into winter and enjoy all the blessings the changing of the seasons have in store for us.

Loving Me

While riding in the car the other day my daughter asked me, "Mommy am I pretty?". I replied, "Yes, of course. Don't you forget that either! You are beautiful!" My daughter smiled big in my rear view mirror, my boyfriend squeezed my hand and whispered, "Yeah mommy, don't you forget that."

Through out this blog there has been a common theme of the struggle I constantly have with loving and accepting myself. Since starting this blog I have had one hell of ride on a roller coaster. Many ups and downs. I have been in therapy, searched for words (Enagua), a long road trip to find myself (stumbling-of-strength), shaved my head completely bald (My Only Thing), a short stay at a mental hospital (Gone), finally going through with divorce papers, and now struggling to provide financially for my children.

While my divorce is yet final, things are finally working out.

You see a year ago I could not look in the mirror. I wanted to destroy so much of myself. When you are at a point where you cannot love yourself, cannot stand to be in your own skin, so much around you fails. Being blinded by that despair and feeling of disgust, there is no warmth to be felt from those around you.

I am as of this moment, so much happier. Why? Because I like me a lot more. Enagua, love me, a lot more! It took many steps, and I had so much support along the way. Bottom line though, I had to do it. I had to realize what was wrong in my life. Things I could change, and things I could not. Accept, appreciate, allow, absolve.

People know when you are not happy with yourself. I had a previous co-worker tell me recently, "I had no idea how unhappy you were until I have seen you as happy as you are now." Having my selfesteem increase has also been noticeable. My soon to be new boss told me today, you have no problem with self confidence! Yes, he meant it as a good thing!

All of these feelings we have about ourselves travel to our children, families, friends, spouses, and even affect our sexual drive. I may have gained ten pounds these past two months, but I am able to finally be intimate without hiding my face under a pillow or feeling uncomfortable having the lights on.

I just want to show to others out there, those who are struggling, you can love yourself. You are beautiful. You are amazing. We all are not perfect, but we are perfect in being us. I do not want to see anyone struggle the way I have. Please know you are not alone, there is always someone here to help.

As for me, I am going to turn the Wii back on. Cut down on the soda. Trim those ten pounds away again. Continue to enjoy the photos of me showing my happiness. Love my children extra. Learn to accept help, compliments, and accept some change. Still look to the strong women in my life, my amazing cousin, my mother, my sisters just to name a few! We are never truly alone and we are never truly as disgusting on the outside as we sometimes feel on the inside.

Trust

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved." ~George Macdonald

You can love someone and still not trust them in the complete sense that is necessary for love and respect to grow to the fullest capability possible. When you finally and fully trust that person though you are giving more than your love, you are giving yourself to an extent not possible otherwise.

What is trust though?

Trust
- noun
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence
2. confident expectation of something; hope
3. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust
-verb
4. to believe
5. to have trust or confidence in; rely or depend on

I have recently realized that while I trust certain qualities or actions of people, I completely trust almost no one. My fear of them leaving, deliberately deceiving, misunderstanding, or only having half their heart in it is a road block that prevents me from jumping off the diving board and into the water.

So I argue, if I love a person I should believe in them, be able to rely on them, have hope for that relationship, thus trust. This can be applied to any relationship, if there is no trust there is no building blocks, no relationship.

My challenge to myself the next few months is to learn to trust completely. Even if it means leaving me feeling vulnerable. At the end of the day the only thing that has me vulnerable is the fears that I allow to take over my mind and heart.

Blue Man Group ~ My Human Experience

Last night I finally I got to experience the show I have been waiting to see for years. An amazing sensory overload that I am trying to come up with words to even describe. This blog will fail completely. There are no words to describe it.

A mixture of humor, facts, lights, sounds, and even smells to wake up the mind and body.

We go through our daily lives almost numb. Everything is routine, or becomes routine. The few who have a differing thought process many times become overwhelmed, feel out of place. In taking my children to the park my mind goes through so many thoughts. What kind of tree is that? How many birds do I hear? Where did they migrate from? What is the molecular structure of the equipment my children are playing on? What skills are they developing doing simple tasks here? How quickly does the sound of my children's laughter move from their mouths to my ears? The list goes on.

This makes my mind feel overwhelmed, full, heavy. However, I am awake. Alert. Observing. Learning. THINKING!

Watching the Blue Man Group last night allowed me ninety minutes of feeling "normal" in my thought process. This show attempts to get the audience to think. Process. Observe. Hopefully the audience leaves more in tuned and observant of the world around them. With a desire to interact.

A show about social conformity, breaking or straying from mainstream, a point I wonder if many see. Or if in my own mind I am over thinking it. Pictures of the DNA structure are shown on the drop screen at one point in time. As I watch the silent blue men, I couldn't help but realize we are all connected. We all are humans. Yet we conform, and sometimes stray from main stream. How do we treat others as they show their individualism? Do we place upon them peer pressure hoping they step back in line? Do we eventually let it go and just accept the difference?

The audience sets back and watches these "Blue Men" observe, play, learn, as children. Curiosity is obvious in their body language. Engaging the audience to hopefully feel the same new wonder and excitement. We should look at our world around us everyday the same way. Curiosity. A desire to take in and learn. To take what we do not know and fear, and educate ourselves.

Social conformity. Individuality. Curiosity. Observation. Interaction. Engage your brain. Acceptance. Renewed sense of awareness. These are just the few words that I can use to describe the experience of this show.

Perhaps though, it is just a funny show that makes people laugh. You do get out of something what you put into it. So today, put into life exactly what you want to get out of it.

Sweet Release of Pain ~ Self Mutilation

Sometimes I just want to know what it is like to be normal. To be human. Allow the normal flow of emotions to come and go. Experience life the way "normal" people do. I am not normal. At least not what most people would call normal.

 

http://flic.kr/p/6t2u6V

Self injury, or self mutilation,  is not an illness or disease that is limited by the color of your skin, sexual orientation, your faith, your bank account, or your education. Most of the time this behavior is not done in a "cult" or group like setting, rather alone. While those who engage in such a behavior typically try to hide it, many are finally coming out and admitting it. Telling their stories helps in their healing process.

The first image that comes to my mind is those whom cut themselves. Self injury can involve so much more. Burning, or branding with hot objects. Hitting. Breaking their own bones. Hair pulling, which can lead to hair eating. Picking at the skin or reopening old wounds. Scratching. Biting.

Who are these people who engage in these acts? They are your mother, brother, sister, aunt, father, daughter, son, cousin, best friend, your spouse. Self mutilation most commonly occurs in adolescent females. People who have a history of abuse. Self mutilation is often a symptom of other mental illnesses such as Bipolar Disorder, Personality Disorders (particularly Borderline Personality Disorder), Schizophrenia, and Anxiety Disorders.

Self mutilation is not a new concept for us. The following  is a portion of a timeline that can be found at http://wso.williams.edu/~atimofey/self_mutilation/History/index.html . It demonstrates the importance and impact of this behavior through out time.

Timeline: Self-Mutilation in History

• 496-406 BCE Sophocles, Ancient Greece In Sophocles's play, Oedipus unwittingly kills his father and marries his mother, Jocasta. After Jocasta kills herself, Oedipus blinds himself by sticking her golden brooches through his eyes while crying,"Wicked, wicked eyes! You shall not see me nor my shame- Not see my present crime. Go dark, for all time blind to what you should have never seen"

• 2nd-4th Century CE  Mark 9:47-48: "If your eye is your downfall, tear it out! Better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to be thrown with both eyes into Gehenna, where the worm dies not and the fire is never extinguished."Matthew 6:22-23: "What I say to you is: anyone who looks lustfully at a woman has already committed adultery with her in his thoughts. If your right eye is your trouble, gouge it out and throw it away! Better to lose part of your body than to have it all cast into Gehenna."

• 11th Century Self-mutilation as an expression of the Christian faith was practiced by "flagellant Christian cults from the eleventh century on (Favazza 1987), numerous nuns and saints of the Middle Ages who were known to starve purge, flagellate, and scar themselves (Bell 1985), and even in the self-flagellation of today's Roman Catholic Opus Dei movement."

• 1846 The first case report on self-mutilation was published. It describes a guilt-ridden widow who enucleated both of her eyes.

• 1888 Artist Vincent van Gogh, angry with a housemate, cut off his earlobe and sent it to a prostitute named Rachel. It has been asserted that she held significance because of her name, evoking the biblical figure who "grieved for her children". Van Gogh "may have wanted her to grieve for and to love him."

• 1920 Freud's proposed life and death instincts: "In Freud's theory of the death instinct, the person withdraws from human connections and retreats into a narcissistic position, silently driving him or herself toward death. Freud emphasized that it was only through the activity of the life instinct that this death-like force was projected outward as destructive impulses to objects in the outside world."

• 1938 Karl Menninger suggested that self -mutilation might be an effort to heal oneself. He wrote, "Local self-destruction is a form of partial suicide to avert total suicide." Menninger also classified the behavior into four categories: neurotic, psychotic, organic, and religious.

• 1983 Modern psychiatric interest in self-mutilation was marked by a 1983 paper by Pattison and Kahan. Using 56 published reports, Pattison and Kahan classified self-mutilation on the basis of lethality, method, and repetition, constructing a chart in which all self-damaging behaviors could be classified.

• 1990 The most widely accepted classification of self-mutilation was constructed by Favazza and Rosenthal, presented in the book, Bodies Under Siege (1996)

 Why cut or mutilate? That answer is never simple. Most commonly it is an act that occurs when people feel overwhelmed. A temporary relief to those intense feelings and pressures. Some it helps them feel alive, real, allowing them to feel something in a world where they normally feel nothing. It is an outlet of inner pain being expressed to the outside world. Physical pain is easier to deal with then an emotional one. Often a reflection of the self hatred that they feel deep inside. The artwork of pain on the skin is  a way to express things that cannot be put into words. A self soothing act that they can control. It is NOT to commit suicide even though some extreme acts of self mutilation can result in such.

There is hope. If you are a mutilator please know two things. One, you are not alone. Two, you can control it. Take the steps necessary to overcome the need, the desire, and the ritual of harming oneself.

1. Decide to stop. Think about why you want to stop and set up a timeline of when to stop. This will help you mentally prepare for the challange ahead.
2. Confide in someone.
3. Identify triggers. What causes you to cut?
4. Recognize that self injury is an attempt to self soothe.
5. Figure ot what function the self injury is serving. Is it to release anger? Express guilt?

 Here are some short term ideas on accomplishing this goal when you recognize your need to cut.

• Deal with the anger: Try running, dancing, screaming, boxing, or other physical activity to release the anguish and pressure.
• Cope with your emotional numbness: Squeeze ice cubes, take cold showers.
• Calm yourself: Journal, yoga, take a bubble bath.
• See blood: Draw with a red marker on your skin where you normally would cut yourself.

Ideally in the long term you should work on recognizing your feelings. Learning how to express versus repress your emotions. Challenge and change your thinking.  There are many forms of therapy, support groups, self help books, and even medication that can help you live a life without the added physical pain.

 

http://flic.kr/p/7mVCgT

There is something to feeling your skin break that releases a stress, a heavy burden. There is freedom and confinement in self mutilation. The freedom being it is your choice. The confinement of course is the loneliness and self alienation that I feel when I have to hide it.


Personally I have moved my own self inflicted pain from scratching and cutting to a different outlet. Piercing and tattoos. The way my body becomes alive as the needle pierces through my skin is amazing. Hot and burning my flesh is alive. I feel something I can describe, something I control. Heart beat escalates, senses heightened, and afterwords I have a socially acceptable form of self injury that looks beautiful compared to scars.

The constant writing and blogging helps release emotional burden that would have in the past been buried deep inside and allowed to build. Therapy has given me the tools to recognize my emotions. To build on my self worth and self esteem. Workbooks allow me to think about why I really do not like parts of  me. Buddhism has challenged my mind to see the world in a different light,  to see me differently.


I am recognizing when I feel the need, which is a great step. There is still a long road ahead for me. My goal by sharing some of the facts,  resources and a little of my own personal history is that I can show even one person hope. Please visit the sites below and seek professional help if you feel you may be a self mutilator.

Resources used:
http://wso.williams.edu/~atimofey/self_mutilation/
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-harm
http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/self-injury
http://www.selfinjury.com/

How To Say Goodbye

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.  ~Roger Caras


The dog was created specially for children.  He is the god of frolic.  ~Henry Ward Beecher

Dogs' lives are too short.  Their only fault, really.  ~Agnes Sligh Turnbull




As I write this, I yet to know how it all will end. How my daughter and son will respond. I just need to get it out.

 A year ago we took into our home an amazing dog. His owners where not able to keep him and the soft hearted people that Nathan and I are when it comes to dogs, we added him to our family.

I remember bringing this little puppy home. Logan was asleep. Chico sniffed the floor following the path Logan had taken before we laid him down.

Sandra took a little car and ran it up and down his back. Chico sat and smiled, wagging his tail.

Logan at some point in time cried and Chico immediately went searching for the little boy. He loved the kids naturally and easily.

With my depression Chico had begun to be my "service dog". Sensing my moods, my needs, taking care of me.

The go-go puppy loved to be on the truck with Nathan. On the floor board by the passenger seat, looking out the window watching the world go by.

It is amazing how attached we become to someone, something, in such a short period of time. Our emotions being tied to this animal, this dog...



At first just Sandra claimed this dog as her own. Recently my son has begun to play and love on him as well.

The kids playing fetch, tug-a-war, cuddling underneath the table. If you saw the kids, Chico was not far behind.

Our Chico was roughly two years old. Still smelled like puppy in his ears. A love bug who needed to be cuddled and kissed. Playful and sweet with children of all ages and sizes. This fearful creature was anything but something to be feared. As long as you were not hurting his kids that is.

 Today the children and I walked over to the neighbors. As the children played together Chico sat anxiously awaiting his kids. Walking back and forth, following the sounds of the children with his ears, eyes, and chest.

The body language of a dog is amazing if you watch carefully.

As I was helping Logan onto the trampoline, Chico snuck over and was hiding underneath. I turned and saw our dog staring up at the feet of the children. His children that he protects and loves.

I hollered for him to go back to our yard, slowly he turned and went past the tree line. Moments later our sweet dog had been hit and killed by a truck.

I tried to stop it. Hollering for him, going towards him. It was too late. The driver got out and apologized, it wasn't his fault. This stranger, with tears in his eyes carried my sweet boy to the side of the road out of the children's view.

After putting Logan down for a nap, I walked Diesel out to his companion to say goodbye. I know the moment my Shepherd knew what had happened. His ears flat, and straight back. Tail stiff. Sniffing the air he slowly moved toward the body and smelled him.

As we moved back towards the house Diesel strayed away from me. I bent to pet him and pulled away. Coming inside Diesel grabbed a dog toy and dropped it at Sandra's feet. There he sat looking at her. She
gave him a hug.

I have not told my children that their dog is gone. Their dad needs to be here so we can do it as a family. When we lost Jacki, before Logan was born, Sandra had nightmares and was angry with me. She was barely two.

Now my son is two and my daughter is four. I have no idea what to expect as reactions. We will plant a tree above his grave. A tree that we pick out as a family, just as we had done with Jacki.

It is hard to teach someone how to say goodbye. Especially when it is goodbye for good to someone they love. To my blockhead, my service puppy, we loved you and you will be missed.

The Atheist at Mass

It’s Sunday morning and I have my daughter by my side. We are sitting in a pew at Catholic service. That is right the atheist is at Mass. For the third time sense Ash Wednesday I am watching a ritual of religion that does not deviate from the routine worship. 

My little girl is all smiles and joy. She tells me her favorite part is where we greet others and say “peace be with you”. Ironically that is one of the parts I dread. While wishing peace to others is a wonderful thought, secretly I am uncomfortable. My reasons for being at Mass are slightly different than those around me. 

For roughly an hour a week I have alone time with my daughter. She is being exposed to another part of the Christian faith that she has not been previously. This experience has opened a new world to her. Being able to compare and contrast the differences she knows of I am surprised about how well she understands the rituals.

Sitting at my side or on my lap she holds my hand, and gives me hugs. This is her time with her mom. As we go to our knees she sits in between my legs and either pretends to play the paino or she looks up and smiles at me and talks about the light shining through the stained glass.

She admires the man hanging on the cross, I am perplexed by it. 

So what is this atheist doing in Mass you ask? I am taking this time to reflect and meditate. Admiring my bond with my daughter. 

I may not believe what is being said, but I still find beauty in portions of it. 

My plans are to continue taking her to Mass through Easter. At which point we will switch  churches and allow her to be exposed to other branches of the Christian faith. As time passes and she becomes older we will begin exploring the other faiths. 

So to my Catholic friends, thank you for greeting this atheist with smiles and open arms.

The Artwork of My Brain

“’But I don’t want to go among mad people’, Alice remarked. ‘Oh, you can’t help that’, said the Cat. ‘We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad’. ‘How do you know I’m mad?’, said Alice. ‘You must be’, said the Cat. ‘or you wouldn’t have come here’.” ~Alice In Wonderland

Looking at the world around me, the world we live in, I feel we all must be mad. If we weren’t we wouldn’t be here still. 

There is a thin line between being sane and insane I think. Many are uncomfortable with that thought. A thought of a larger boundary keeping the two groups of people apart appears to be safer, secure, normal.

Truth is, we all walk that line at some point in time in our lives. It is a tightrope dance testing our skills and abilities. Sometimes we fall. With falling we can get back on, or we can walk away. That choice is an individual choice.

Our bodies are so complex. The brain is the captain of this ship, the overseer of our temple. Information is constantly being received, analyzed, and sent back out. Storing information from experiences and the source of our thoughts, moods and emotions.

The fact that there are billions of interconnected cells, little highways, allowing us to be critical thinkers, create art, is amazing. 

The chemistry of the brain is a beautiful work of art by nature. However, it is this chemistry that can produce artwork that is only beautiful in the eye of the beholder.

“Brain chemistry and mental illness. All the brain's functions depend on the normal action of neurotransmitters. An excess or deficiency of a specific transmitter or group of transmitters may lead to a serious disorder in thought, mood, or behaviour. For example, studies have suggested that chemical imbalances in the brain play a significant role in several types of mental illnesses. There is some evidence that the brain produces too much dopamine in a severe mental illness called schizophrenia. This excess of dopamine may create emotional disturbances and cause a person to see things and hear sounds that do not exist.”  http://www.a2zpsychology.com/articles/biology_of_the_brain_page2.php

I have been reading facts about the brain tonight, everything from weight to oxygen use. Overwhelmingly brillant and beautiful. As I learn and understand more the hows and whys of my chemical makeup, it will be easier to see the artwork that my brain has produced for me. Mental illness and all.

I am choosing to admire both sides of my line. To admire and love them both. For we all must be a little mad, in some way.

Mental Illness ~ The Stigma

It has been a little over a month since leaving the Behavioral Health Services floor at St. Catherines. The majority of people close to me have been exceptionally encouraging. Yet, there is still a stigma some attach.

“Why is that you are open about your mental illness and hospitalization?” A question someone I know asked me the other day. My answer was simply to help myself heal and educate others on mental illnesses.

“Researchers found that while more people understand mental illness is caused by brain biology, that hasn’t translated into a decrease in stigmatization.” Whitney Blair Wyckoff, Despite Deeper Understanding of Mental Illness, Stigma Lingers, published September 17, 2010. http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2010/09/17/129937437/still-a-stigma-for-mental-illness

The video I have posted above shows statistics for Canada. However, it is still relevant to anyone in regards to what it has to say about mental illness.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, in 2008 13.4% of adults in the United States RECEIVED treatment for a mental health problem.

The scientific understanding of the brain and mental illness has improved immensely. Unfortunately our social acceptance and attitudes have not. 

Thankfully I have been surrounded by family and friends who understand, encourage, and support me during my depression, my struggle, and my recovery. Thank you!

For those reading this that is struggling, please know you are NOT alone. 

For more information on mental illness and the stigmas attached to it, please visit the following sites:

http://www.mentalhealthconnection.org/stigma.php

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml

http://www.nmha.org/

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-the-Stigma-of-Mental-Illness

Bodhichitta

“Bodhichitta - Our “mind of love” is the deep wish to cultivate understanding in ourselves in order to bring happiness to many beings. It is the motivating force for the practice of mindful living. With bodhichitta at the foundation of our thinking, everything we do or say will help others be liberated. Right Thinking also gives rise to Right Diligence.” The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, Thich Nhat Hanh

I am learning on how to not destroy myself with the mindless and endless cycle of ill thoughts. Each step is small in my healing process, but meaningful.

Today Nathan took me to the park and we walked along the paths among the trees and water. Yes Southwest Kansas has both! Not many...but some. 

A great day to be outside. The slight breeze brushing upon my skin. While sitting on a bench in front of the small man made pond I closed my eyes and could hear the ducks playing in the water. The small amount of leaves rustling above in the branches. Children playing in the park nearby. Cellphones ringing, shoes beating the ground.

A small spider wanted to take refuge under my shoe. 

Just like the complexity of the way all of these pieces of life work, I am slowly understanding the complexity of myself. Piece by piece it will be put together. Leaving a picture whole and amazing. As each of us truly are.

I did something today I rarely do. Handed over my camera to Nathan. So now I have some pictures of me, just enjoying nature. Myself and Chico. Nathan did a great job and I am treasuring the pictures he took. 

Part of the understanding of my inner self is being able to view my outer self. I can find beauty in so many things, myself is rarely one of them. 

While walking along the path there was this amazing tree with thorns on the outside. Beauty at its best in nature. Sharp thorns, hard under my fingers. These I found to be fascinating. I have a slight fascination with barb wire and this was natures barb wire to me.

We have spent a large amount of time outside the past couple of days. The inner strength from within is stronger than it has in the past. Sunshine and breezes have made me feel refreshed. The kids love it of course. A small garden will do us all wonders. Now if only I can keep something alive in it!

The wheat across the way is growing. I have watched as the tractor has plowed the field behind my home preparing it be planted. Before I know it my beloved corn fields will be here. 

My Spiritual Journey ~ Part 3 Final Destination

Last night an amazing peace came to me. Even as this morning provided a moment of stress and anxiety, a calmness underneath was still present. 

An amazing thing happened last night that brought on the calm within the storm. A portion of who I am became exceptionally clear to me. After the realization I felt this sense of wow.

A friend sent me this message.

"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?" ~Douglas Adams

Borrowed a quote from you. Lol. I would compare it to a great book, beautiful painting, or an amazing sculpture. You can appreciate these things by just reading or looking but doesn't it add so much more when you learn about the one who wrote, painted or sculpted these beautiful pieces of art?"

I knew my answer instinctively. Upon this I recalled a conversation I had with another friend in January of last year. I still had the e-mail.

“I have a creator. The complexity of nature and the natural works we see every day. It is this that we live on and thrive from. Why must I tell a god that is seen as a single creator but spoken in a sense as multiple thank you? It is not that figment I need to thank. Rather the scientists learning about the life and the way it works. It is them that has opened the knowledge and understanding an possibilities for continual growth.”

For me this artist is the natural order of science and nature. Reading over my last blog regarding the frog I see the connection I have. This overwhelming tie. Constantly I am drawn over and over again to cornfields, to water, to nature.

I do not believe in a god. 

Many reading this a sense of dread my overcome you. To me saying these seven words is a relief. I feel lighter, at peace. 

A whole new world has opened up in my eyes. I have so much to learn about the way everything works. So much to devour and process from the molecular level to the complexity of the inner workings of the mind. 

To me, there is no creator making these things happen. It just is. My desire and pull towards the philosophy of Buddhism is still here, if not stronger. The idea of retraining your mind. The ability to think differently, right mindfulness is a strong desire of mine.

Additionally I have been given another label, Secular Humanism. 

Secular. “Pertaining to the world or things not spiritual or sacred.”

Humanism. “Any system of thought or action concerned with the interests or ideals of people … the intellectual and cultural movement … characterized by an emphasis on human interests rather than … religion.”

— Webster’s Dictionary

“Secular humanism is comprehensive, touching every aspect of life including issues of values, meaning, and identity. ..Secular humanism is philosophically naturalistic. It holds that nature (the world of everyday physical experience) is all there is, and that reliable knowledge is best obtained when we query nature using the scientific method. Naturalism asserts that supernatural entities like God do not exist, and warns us that knowledge gained without appeal to the natural world and without impartial review by multiple observers is unreliable...Secular humanism provides a cosmic outlook—a world-view in the broadest sense, grounding our lives in the context of our universe and relying on methods demonstrated by science. Secular humanists see themselves as undesigned, unintended beings who arose through evolution, possessing unique attributes of self-awareness and moral agency...Secular humanists hold that ethics is consequential, to be judged by results. This is in contrast to so-called command ethics, in which right and wrong are defined in advance and attributed to divine authority. “No god will save us,” declared Humanist Manifesto II (1973), “we must save ourselves.” Secular humanists seek to develop and improve their ethical principles by examining the results they yield in the lives of real men and women.”

http://www.secularhumanism.org/index.php?section=main&page=what_is

I have always associated compassion and acceptance with religion. The realization that I had last night is I do not need nor believe in a god in order to have these qualities to be a part of who I am. This is a concept that I have struggled with this entire time.

Many people can do wonders in the world, all because they want to. I do not need a creator to tell me to be kind to others. It is in everyone's interest to do good for the sake of mankind. 

I still have an admiration for those who have faith, a religion. My children will still learn about the different types of religion in the world. They will be given the tools and knowledge needed to make this choice on their own someday. No matter what that choice is, it is right for them and I will support them. 

For me though, I have always been an Atheist. I am just now accepting and realizing it. The negativity people associate with this is unbelievable. Perhaps I can at least show my friends and family that it is not so. More importantly I have been able to begin to define who I am.  I am Desiree. 

My Spiritual Journey ~ Part 2 "The Frog And The Fairy"

After walking along a dirt path a choice usually comes up. Do you take the turn on the left, or the right? Currently I am staring at both paths, one then the other. I wonder. Thats it, I just wonder which path to take.

One is labeled “Creator/God(s)”. The second labled “No Creator Here”.

After much reading, thinking, listening and “soul searching” this is where I am at in my journey.

“Sometimes it proves the highest understanding not to understand.” ~Gracian

The one thing that I find to be amazing about faith is the fire that burns inside the believer. The instinct that says this is the truth. Amazing to see that love and compassion in action.

Perhaps there is something to not over analyzing. Just accepting some things are unexplainable and in the hands of a higher being. That we are in the arms of a God or Goddess. Everything happens for a reason. It is a part of a higher plan than we will ever be able to understand. So why waste the time in trying to understand it? Embrace it.

Stop questioning, stop searching for the emiculate proof. Once this is achieved, perhaps then I will understand.

"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?" ~Douglas Adams

However, why? Why do I need a higher being? When I first read this quote I giggled. Then, a friend sent it to me. To be honest I was a bit taken back. The true meaning of why it was sent was lost to me at the time. Now, I get it.

My instinctive connection to nature has been inside of me since I was little. I remember living in a trailer out on the farm. Running outside and into the very edges of the cornfield. To this day I will walk out my back door and into the edges of the cornfield.

The complexity of the Earth, the stars, and moons to name just a few, are intriguing. It is almost like a gravational pull the way I admire it all. 

Nature works so perfectly.  Absolute and intrinsic in the way each living creature grows and changes. Look at the frog. First the egg is laid in water, this egg begins as a single cell. This single cell splits into two, then four, and so on. This mass of cells in the egg form an embryo. Organs and gills begin to form. After a period the embryo leaves the jelly shell and becomes a tadpole.

This tadpole begins to change. Hind legs grow, then front legs. The tail begins to become smaller while lungs develop. Sheding their skin and lips. Eleven weeks after the egg was laid a fully developed frog emerges.

Amazingly beautiful.

So why do I need to search for the fairy in this process? Why do I need a god or a creator to have this amazing life process occur? 

Currently I am listening to the Faith Instinct on audiobook. Trying to understand why we, the human race, desire instinctively a faith.

So before I proceed I need to answer is there a god?

Then a friend made me think. Maybe that is not the question to answer first. Perhaps I need to ask myself “Can I believe God is possible?”.

Possible~ adj.

1) that may be or can be, exist, happen, be done, be used

2) that may be true or may be the case, as something concerning which one has no knowledge to the contrary

I refer back to the quote about searching for fairies. It is possible the fairies may exisit. Anything is possible. Do I need the fairies in order to enjoy the garden and find it beautiful? Without the fairies is the garden any less alive? 

Perfect

Within the confinements of the glass

It is I who is resting last

The pressure building from within

I wonder when I shall see me again

Glimpses of what is underneath

A mask shields me

Truth betold I am lost

A label beseeches the person

Who am I to say this is wrong

An outsider no longer gone

Visions may lead the way

Heart and head astray

1/11/2011

Barely a month ago. My mind in a total different place then it is now. The screaming inside my muddle mess has at least stopped echoing. Now it is just a whisper of a conversation. 

The thoughts are still chaotic, random, never ending cycle. At least it is slower at times compared to before. 

Staring at pictures of myself a month ago, two months ago, I have been able to find my lack of hair attractive and suiting of me. Even now the face staring back is emerging to be someone other than a stranger.

My baby sister has shared a video with me that I feel fits my muddle mess almost perfectly. I am in awe of her understanding of me. The way she has been able to break through a barrier that few are allowed to go past. 

Watching this video has brought me back to my thoughts and writings from highschool. The anxiety I had walking into a room of my peers. The continual thoughts that people pitied me. Felt sorry for me, misunderstood, and disliked me. Not fitting in.

To this day I sometimes struggle with that. Trying to find a place of safety, a place to belong. Very few who are close to me are allowed past the gates of my inner thoughts. Fear of rejection is high, self esteem low. 

This is soemthing that is being worked through and worked on. Exploring the identity of me. Trying to change the way I view myself. Change the voices in my head.

I just want to say to my baby sister, thank you and I love you. Maybe I can start hearing the other voices around me that have repeated or tried to tell me the same thing you have. That you love me for me. I am perfect to you just as you are perfect to me. 

"Sister is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship." ~ Margaret Mead

My Spiritual Journey ~ Part 1

Through my short stay at the hospital I made it a goal to determine what my identity is. My previous blogs reek of the reoccuring theme that I have no idea who I am.  Sometimes I get close. However, I know I am still lost on this. Time to start with some building blocks.

One of those building blocks I belive is knowing where you stand spirituality, or a lack of spirituality.

The faith that many people posses has always left me in awe, bewilderment, and sometimes even a bit envious. How is it that they just know? That fire that burns inside. No need for scientific beyond the doubt proof that a God exisits. Hence it is called faith.

This has always had me focus on finding the right faith. A religion that made me burn with surity and bring me peace. Faith, trust, truth, acceptance. 

Many of you reading this are thinking, believe in Jesus! He and the heavenly father will love you unconditionaly. If you accept Jesus as your personal savior and have a relationship with him. 

I do not have that burning truth. That faith is not within me. Then again, neither is it with Judiasm, Hindusim, or the Wiccan faith. What am I?

Up until a few weeks ago I would have said I believe in reincarnation. Now, I do not know. There is no scientific proof of that. Perhaps I have been using that as a crutch. Maybe my fear of living for the now, using the next life will be better as an excuse. How is that different then saying, Heaven will be better?

I feel very connected with the Earth as being my creator. The wind, water, soil, and crops bring me peace. I admire the sun and the moon. A connection that was once beyond the scope of our understanding between the Earth, sun and moon is exciting and amazingly great. This brings me peace.

So there will be a series of blogs in regard of my answer to this question. Where do I stand in my faith or a lack of? I need to stop walking along the fence post and decide. Dedicate and commit myself finally to something. The process by which I have been trying to do this has not worked. Time to change it. I have been striving to answer the question of what do I believe in. The question I should be answering is do I believe a God of any kind can even exist.

If the answer is yes, then I must go to the next step and find that faith. What religion?

If the answer is no, then I must finally accept that and know I can still live with compassion and acceptance. One does not necessarily need a God to be those things. 

"In our tenure of this planet we've accumulated dangerous evolutionary baggage—propensities for aggression and ritual, submission to leaders, hostility to outsiders—all of which puts our survival in some doubt. But we've also acquired compassion for others, love for our children and desire to learn from history and experience, and a great soaring passionate intelligence—the clear tools for our continued survival and prosperity. Which aspects of our nature will prevail is uncertain, particularly when our visions and prospects are bound to one small part of the small planet Earth." ~ Carl Sagan

Yet, I feel that humans desire and yearn for a higher being. Is this a desire out of need or is it something more?

As for now, I am going to start my journey. I have some amazing resources from my Atheist friends, a bible, some great blogs to read, and of course my instinct to follow. This is not going to be easy. 

No matter what the conclusion I still want to raise my children to be knowledgeable, accepting, open minded, and compassionate people. I want them to learn and be equipped with the right tools to make this choice for themselves someday.

Chaos

“Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.” ~ Chuck Palahniuk

“Chaos theory is a field of study in applied mathematics, with applications in several disciplines including physics, economics, biology, and philosophy. Chaos theory studies the behavior of dynamical systems that are highly sensitive to initial conditions; an effect which is popularly referred to as the butterfly effect. Small differences in initial conditions (such as those due to rounding errors in numerical computation) yield widely diverging outcomes for chaotic systems, rendering long-term prediction impossible in general.[1] This happens even though these systems are deterministic, meaning that their future behavior is fully determined by their initial conditions, with no random elements involved.[2] In other words, the deterministic nature of these systems does not make them predictable.[3] This behavior is known as deterministic chaos, or simply chaos.

Chaotic behavior can be observed in many natural systems, such as the weather.[4] Explanation of such behavior may be sought through analysis of a chaotic mathematical model, or through analytical techniques such as recurrence plots and Poincaré maps.”

A thought has hit me tonight while wathing  a movie, Chaos Theory. Nature is very artistic to me. Purposeful, with reason, and yet mysterious and vivid. 

The fields of corn that I love so much are full of symetry. Each stalk looks similar to the next. Look upon them closer and you can see the hairs sparatic, the lines of the leaves running parrallel, and the kernals all in little rows. Purposeful. Beautiful. 

Look at the same field after a hail storm and it is a whole new picture. Mutilated, broken, chaotic.

Pehaps mental illness is natures chaos, the hail storm for humans. Each disorder and disease we have labled has a pattern a sense of reason behind it. Is that because we as humans need a reason so we group it all together? Label it?

With our ever growing need to feel in control and knowledgable, the human race is striving to understand the things that are in nature chaotic. We developed a theory for just that over a century ago.

Sometimes with the overbearing need to understand, have a solution we push the barriers to a point of  breaking. Beyond any ability to understand or for the picture to become clear. Chaos is sometimes necessary. It can be beautiful and with reason. We just need to accept it as is.

The chaos of my mind needs to be found beautiful by me. If I can think of it the same way I do my children, water, or corn, then perhaps I can embrace me. Through embracing and accepting perhaps my identity can be revealed to me.

So here is to chaos, taking chances, and writing my index cards. 

“Chaos is a friend of mine.” ~ Bob Dylan

“One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche