My Sister in law, Angie, took Sandra to the dentist on November 17th. The story I am about to tell you is second hand, put together with the information given to me by my husband, Angie, and what I could hear from listening to half of the phone conversation.
Sandra called her Daddy and told him that she went to the dentist and it was a blast. She was a Peacock! (I later inquired to Angie about the Peacock and the only thing she could think of was that the book they read had a peacock in it.)
"I sat in the chair and opened my mouth and it was bright so I got to wear sunglasses. They cleaned my teeth and fixed my one tooth and it is all better. I also got to watch a movie. They gave me stickers, a pencil, and a a piece of paper to eat at Applebee's. I had fun, I like the dentist."
When I spoke to Angie, I was told my little girl did great. She didn't fuss or move. She sat still and watched Cinderella until it was all done. They cleaned her teeth and did some work on a small cavity.
For her first time at the dentist I am in awe. My little girl is so brave. I am far from brave. I hate the dentist...yikes. What an amazing Peacock. Perhaps I should be a Peacock then maybe my next visit to the dentist will go just as good.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Dominating My Emotions
"A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them." ~ Oscar Wilde
Wow, what a powerful statement! I want to first break down two words; enjoy and dominate.
Dominate (verb) - 1. to rule over; govern; control 2. to rule; exercise control; predominate 3. to occupy a commanding or elevated position
Enjoy (verb) - 1. to experience with joy; take pleasure in 2. to find or experience pleasure for oneself
This comes back to the circle of my theme, changing the way we think. I have spoken before about David Foster Wallace and his commencement speech. While I will not list the quote again, he basically says we need to see view the world we are in. Let me remind you of the fish in the water and not knowing what water is.
If we do not know what our life is, how can we be the masters of ourselves? Furthermore how can we be true to ourselves, who we are? We need to live each day as it is our own. Additionally we need to do what will make us happy. How else would you want to live your last day?
Another person I am going to go back to is Thich Nhat Hanh and his "The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching". "The fist first kind of suffering is 'the suffering of suffering' (dukkha dukkhata), the suffering associated with unpleasant feelings, like the pain of a toothache, losing your temper, or feeling too cold on a winter's day." pg 19.
Now here is a concept that is hard to grasp. Even impossible to remember at times of suffering. We need to recognize suffering when it is present and to recognize joy when suffering is absent. How often do we truly do this in our lives? Do we complain and dwell on another problem in our lives without acknowledging the other joys in our lives? I know I do.
"When we have a toothache, we know that not having a toothache is happiness. But later, when we don't have a toothache, we don't treasure our non-toothache. Practicing mindfulness helps us learn to appreciate the well-being that is already there." pg 41.
What a recurring theme. Changing the way we think, how we perceive. Being more mindful of ourselves and the world we live in is not an easy task. I know this is something that I must learn, practice. If I am ever to get over my resentment and hatred, I must be more mindful.
To me being more mindful is to take control. Dominating my thoughts and emotions so I can enjoy not only life, but who I am. My last little episode of shaving my head has left me thinking about who I am once again. What is it that will make me happy. I know what my heart says, what my mind says. Sometimes the strength is missing and it is hard to grasp the courage, support and understanding of such actions. Living each day as your last. Tell those you love, that you love them each and every day. You never know when it will be the last. Find the joys, the absence of suffering in everything you can.
"Freedom is the will to be responsible to ourselves." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
Wow, what a powerful statement! I want to first break down two words; enjoy and dominate.
Dominate (verb) - 1. to rule over; govern; control 2. to rule; exercise control; predominate 3. to occupy a commanding or elevated position
Enjoy (verb) - 1. to experience with joy; take pleasure in 2. to find or experience pleasure for oneself
This comes back to the circle of my theme, changing the way we think. I have spoken before about David Foster Wallace and his commencement speech. While I will not list the quote again, he basically says we need to see view the world we are in. Let me remind you of the fish in the water and not knowing what water is.
If we do not know what our life is, how can we be the masters of ourselves? Furthermore how can we be true to ourselves, who we are? We need to live each day as it is our own. Additionally we need to do what will make us happy. How else would you want to live your last day?
Another person I am going to go back to is Thich Nhat Hanh and his "The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching". "The fist first kind of suffering is 'the suffering of suffering' (dukkha dukkhata), the suffering associated with unpleasant feelings, like the pain of a toothache, losing your temper, or feeling too cold on a winter's day." pg 19.
Now here is a concept that is hard to grasp. Even impossible to remember at times of suffering. We need to recognize suffering when it is present and to recognize joy when suffering is absent. How often do we truly do this in our lives? Do we complain and dwell on another problem in our lives without acknowledging the other joys in our lives? I know I do.
"When we have a toothache, we know that not having a toothache is happiness. But later, when we don't have a toothache, we don't treasure our non-toothache. Practicing mindfulness helps us learn to appreciate the well-being that is already there." pg 41.
What a recurring theme. Changing the way we think, how we perceive. Being more mindful of ourselves and the world we live in is not an easy task. I know this is something that I must learn, practice. If I am ever to get over my resentment and hatred, I must be more mindful.
To me being more mindful is to take control. Dominating my thoughts and emotions so I can enjoy not only life, but who I am. My last little episode of shaving my head has left me thinking about who I am once again. What is it that will make me happy. I know what my heart says, what my mind says. Sometimes the strength is missing and it is hard to grasp the courage, support and understanding of such actions. Living each day as your last. Tell those you love, that you love them each and every day. You never know when it will be the last. Find the joys, the absence of suffering in everything you can.
"Freedom is the will to be responsible to ourselves." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
My Only Thing
I feel as though I owe an explanation for the recent event that has taken place. My poor mother I can only imagine how she feels right now.
The storm, I thought had past. I must have only been in the eye of it. Last night, after a much stressful and cornering weekend, I cracked. Life as we know it is hard. I get that. Nothing comes without a price. We all have our demons. I could go on with these metaphorical and sensible items. Life just sucks at times.
With my loss of control, my ability to make my own decisions I was done. Done with life, done with my situation. Not having a choice in what you need, want, feel is right with you life, is indescribable. I get that life is harder for many others than myself. Life is tough and it takes work. It takes work to reinvent the way you view life, the way you think and perceive.
The only thing I had left that I had a say in was what I could do to my own body. Hence the hair is gone. So much more would have been if Nathan would have allowed it to be. Right now I just need to be in charge of me, the ability to know that I can do what I feel is right. What I know is right. Many of the people who struggle to live in a society that deems them abnormal, that try to control them, they simply perish from the world. Their very being is slowly killed and taken from them. What type of life is it to live if you cannot pursue the life that would make you whole and happy.
I am astonished that so many have responded to my outburst. More so the fact that these people are the ones I went to school with. Thank you for showing me how blessed I am. This thought is something I will try to hold onto as I continue my struggle to survive and reach my goal of what I desire for myself.
There goes my being a good mother. For the first time I have put myself before them. That is the only thing I regret about my loss of hair. That and how hard it is going to be to get a job now.
Here is to striving for what you want in life, to finding yourself and the continual survival of just surviving.
"We all suffer alone in the real world; true empathy's impossible" ~ David Foster Wallace
The storm, I thought had past. I must have only been in the eye of it. Last night, after a much stressful and cornering weekend, I cracked. Life as we know it is hard. I get that. Nothing comes without a price. We all have our demons. I could go on with these metaphorical and sensible items. Life just sucks at times.
With my loss of control, my ability to make my own decisions I was done. Done with life, done with my situation. Not having a choice in what you need, want, feel is right with you life, is indescribable. I get that life is harder for many others than myself. Life is tough and it takes work. It takes work to reinvent the way you view life, the way you think and perceive.
The only thing I had left that I had a say in was what I could do to my own body. Hence the hair is gone. So much more would have been if Nathan would have allowed it to be. Right now I just need to be in charge of me, the ability to know that I can do what I feel is right. What I know is right. Many of the people who struggle to live in a society that deems them abnormal, that try to control them, they simply perish from the world. Their very being is slowly killed and taken from them. What type of life is it to live if you cannot pursue the life that would make you whole and happy.
I am astonished that so many have responded to my outburst. More so the fact that these people are the ones I went to school with. Thank you for showing me how blessed I am. This thought is something I will try to hold onto as I continue my struggle to survive and reach my goal of what I desire for myself.
There goes my being a good mother. For the first time I have put myself before them. That is the only thing I regret about my loss of hair. That and how hard it is going to be to get a job now.
Here is to striving for what you want in life, to finding yourself and the continual survival of just surviving.
"We all suffer alone in the real world; true empathy's impossible" ~ David Foster Wallace
Saturday, November 6, 2010
The Turning of the Waters
The past forty eight hours has been an awful turning of the waters inside me. My muddled mess of a mind is reaching out and pulling all of the glorious items around me into this black hole of desperation and pain. Working on knowing yourself, and loving yourself is a never ending battle, or adventure depending on the way my mind views it at the time.
We all hold baggage. That is the plain simple truth. The heavy load we carry contains the positives and the negatives of the life we have experienced and the expectations of the outcomes of what may come in the future because of them. Some of my memories that I find to bring smiles and comfort are amazing. I remember making snowmen with my mom and sister Crystal out of marshmellows and pretzels. Playing in the cornfields with peers in school. Skinny dipping in the fishing whole in Yuma. Playing Skibo with friends. When Tribbett dressed up in a dress for my Spanish video. Sitting at Bernie's with friends drinking beer. Going to the lake with friends as they "experience" life. The first time I saw the ocean with Nathan. Just to name a few.
Other memories are the darker ones, the ones that suck us dry and spit us out. It is taking these memories, these emotions and learning to forgive first ourselves, then others for them. Some things are easier to let go than others. A few we even work out, or at least we think we do and when history repeats itself we are thrown into the depths of hell trying to claw our way out. Rape, broken hearts, friends lost to death, drug abuse, or other life experiences that so many of us go through. They all leave their mark.
The past couple of days have been hell. Arguing with my husband, the attempt to end one chapter so I may survive to heal and live the next chapter. It has been hell, I feel as though I have been cornered, a cat stuck in the very back of the room full of sleeping dogs and rocking chairs.
Many turn to faith to help them heal and move on. Some of this healing appears to be just pretending the events never happened. Some of this healing is true healing. This morning I was able to attend a brunch with my Sister in Law at her church. The church is celebrating its 100th year. I found this to be an amazing event. Sweet people, wonderful voices singing in the glory that they believe in. A strong connection between these women in the congregation.
I am still not for "organized religion", but the thought of being a Buddhist Christian is more appealing to me now than before. Some argue that you cannot be that, I argue you can. That debate is for another time, another blog.
With faith we can overcome so much, with faith we can heal. Now when I say faith, I mean faith in general. Faith in yourself, faith in God, faith in your abilities, any faith.
My anger is still so prevelant, so strong. I must get away from the source of that anger in order to heal from it. I try to be a compassionate person, I try to be patient and understanding. Lately though I am far from that. This upsets me. I just want to look in the mirror again, I mean look in the mirror and not be disguisted with what I see. A person that allows herself to be violated, used, and continuously unworthy. The only way to do this is by finally truly forgiving myself of so many things. To look at my baggage and decide to cleanse my soul of it.
Working on oneself is a continual process, a life long process.
As is my typical way of closing a thought, here is the quote of the day.
"Look within. Within is the fountain of good, and it will ever bubble up, if thou wilt ever dig." ~ Marcus Aurelius
We all hold baggage. That is the plain simple truth. The heavy load we carry contains the positives and the negatives of the life we have experienced and the expectations of the outcomes of what may come in the future because of them. Some of my memories that I find to bring smiles and comfort are amazing. I remember making snowmen with my mom and sister Crystal out of marshmellows and pretzels. Playing in the cornfields with peers in school. Skinny dipping in the fishing whole in Yuma. Playing Skibo with friends. When Tribbett dressed up in a dress for my Spanish video. Sitting at Bernie's with friends drinking beer. Going to the lake with friends as they "experience" life. The first time I saw the ocean with Nathan. Just to name a few.
Other memories are the darker ones, the ones that suck us dry and spit us out. It is taking these memories, these emotions and learning to forgive first ourselves, then others for them. Some things are easier to let go than others. A few we even work out, or at least we think we do and when history repeats itself we are thrown into the depths of hell trying to claw our way out. Rape, broken hearts, friends lost to death, drug abuse, or other life experiences that so many of us go through. They all leave their mark.
The past couple of days have been hell. Arguing with my husband, the attempt to end one chapter so I may survive to heal and live the next chapter. It has been hell, I feel as though I have been cornered, a cat stuck in the very back of the room full of sleeping dogs and rocking chairs.
Many turn to faith to help them heal and move on. Some of this healing appears to be just pretending the events never happened. Some of this healing is true healing. This morning I was able to attend a brunch with my Sister in Law at her church. The church is celebrating its 100th year. I found this to be an amazing event. Sweet people, wonderful voices singing in the glory that they believe in. A strong connection between these women in the congregation.
I am still not for "organized religion", but the thought of being a Buddhist Christian is more appealing to me now than before. Some argue that you cannot be that, I argue you can. That debate is for another time, another blog.
With faith we can overcome so much, with faith we can heal. Now when I say faith, I mean faith in general. Faith in yourself, faith in God, faith in your abilities, any faith.
My anger is still so prevelant, so strong. I must get away from the source of that anger in order to heal from it. I try to be a compassionate person, I try to be patient and understanding. Lately though I am far from that. This upsets me. I just want to look in the mirror again, I mean look in the mirror and not be disguisted with what I see. A person that allows herself to be violated, used, and continuously unworthy. The only way to do this is by finally truly forgiving myself of so many things. To look at my baggage and decide to cleanse my soul of it.
Working on oneself is a continual process, a life long process.
As is my typical way of closing a thought, here is the quote of the day.
"Look within. Within is the fountain of good, and it will ever bubble up, if thou wilt ever dig." ~ Marcus Aurelius
Friday, November 5, 2010
Hope, Anger, Courage
A dear friend posted this on my Facebook. I have looked at it off and on all day. Sitting here trying to wrap my sense of understanding around the thoughts that are plaguing my mind, I am re-centered around this. Such a comfort a friend can be, when no words are there to help, a whole string of them appear.
This anger has boiled and festered inside for way to long. Slowly penetrating my very being, the person I wish to be, and the person I am currently. Devouring every bit of good and kindness out of me leaving a desolate and barren aura that kills or drives away all good things from me.
This simple phrase has encouraged me to see that this anger is pivotal in the development, growth, and direction of me. This emotion that I place such a negative label upon can have such an amazing impact on healing and development if we mold this emotion the right way.
Courage, we all need courage. The ability to do something that may be fearful, scary, unknown. Move on, continue with life, make change.
I have no idea why before now, I never considered these two emotions linked so closely as this. Logically speaking it makes perfect sense. If molded correctly Anger can lead to Courage. By definition, Hope is 1) the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best; 2) to feel that something desired may happen. Without the desire for things to change, we cannot have Hope. If we do not face our Anger, we may never find the Courage to change it, to grow.
Here is to facing our Anger, finding our Courage, and believing in our Hopes and dreams.
"God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us - in the dreariest and most dreaded moments - can see a possibility of hope." ~ Maya Angelou.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The Stumbling of Strength
It has been ages since I have allowed any thoughts to flow from my mind onto this Mac. My travels away from the house and the "safety" of hiding from the world has done me good.
Myself, my son, and my daughter were in a car for over 40 hours. I am completely insane to want to spend that much time in a car with a 3 and 1 year old! The experience of it all was amazing, enlightening, and life changing.
We left Ulysses, Kansas and traveled first to Branson, Missouri. Spent a very short time with a few friends there. Met their wonderful son who is just a few months younger than Logan. They are friends of Nathan's. This is a family so rooted in the beliefs of God. Amazingly sweet and caring. I missed them the moment we left.
It was also the moment that I left them that I knew what I needed to do. What decision I had to make.
From Branson onto Knoxville. My admiration for my cousin is never ending. Such a strong, intelligent, compassionate, and honest person. Her ability to multitask and handle the hurdles of life never ceases to amaze me. Four wonderful days of gaining strength, encouragement. I do not think she realizes what an amazing person she is. I have always looked up to her and I am glad that in my time of my search for me, she was so willing to have me there.
The time spent taking pictures, conversing, watching the kids, and just observing her family is a memory I will forever hold dear. If you are reading this, I love you.
Leaving Knoxville we headed onto Nashville to visit someone I have not seen since I was little. I reflected on so many things in that short drive. I had made my decision long ago, now I had the strength to face it.
Nashville brought a comfort. Seeing this man and his family made me feel loved. This is someone I have not seen in years and they accepted me into their home and loved me as I am. As I am...what I concept I have learned this trip. Discussing with him the heavy issues weighing upon my heart, seeing the look upon his face. I knew I had been disappointing myself more than anyone else.
Nashville to Columbia. A long drive, more thoughts, more stumbling upon strength. Stumbling upon a reflection of what is, could be, should be. I almost skipped Columbia. Almost. I have been in constant thought of this man. Right after the storm hit, I had come across a picture of us together on one of my visits to Columbia to see the man I consider my brother, Shawn, and his best friend Russell. Staring at that picture, that smile, I wanted that back, I wanted me back. Who ever the hell that is.
So I did not skip Columbia. I needed to see this person just as much as I needed to see everyone else on my path. Watching our kids play together and accept one another was just awe inspiring, I am immediately in love with these amazing children. They fill me will laughter and hope, with will.
While I am still in the process of formulating words for all that has happened on my travels and at certain spots in particular, I am thankful for all of it. Stumbling across emotions, strengths, pieces of myself that I did not know even existed. We have to stumble and fall in order to stand up and brush the dirt off of our knees, cleanse our wounds, and heal.
From Columbia to Meade, Kansas where I dropped off my children onto Denver to spend time with childhood friends. I spent the next day with my youngest sister, mother, and grandmother in Greeley, Colorado. My Great-Grandfather was having surgery. I believe this time together, as short as it was, was a healing process for all of us in a way.
Now back in Ulysses, I reflect. What has happened? The unexpected, in more ways than one.
This trip has shown me I am a decent mother, no one was lost, hurt, I did not lose my cool and make anyone walk home. :) I am capable of being on my own, I am capable of being strong and doing what is in my heart and mind, what I feel is the right thing for me.
I have been filled with anger and resentment for way too long. My feeling of being disrespected and used will not go away. I cannot get past the incident that has opened up so many scars. Being tired of insecurity, lack of safety in my minds eye, I am killing all compassion I have.
My decision has and will continue to change my life and my children's lives. Change is scary, sometimes though it is necessary, and always the one that is constant. Everything changes.
Many are confused and hurt, many are angered. I am losing some friends, but I am gaining freedom. Freedom from self hatred, freedom from this disgust, violation. Yes I am leaving behind and losing much, but I am also gaining.
This is far from a poetic account of what has happened, much I still do not feel free yet to express. I will in time. When the time is right. For now I need to apologize, in order for me to survive and live, I must end some things. I only hope that this will allow others to grow and begin their own journey of finding who they are. It is a miraculous journey, filled with pain, tears, ghosts, demons, hope, new found trust, and re-found acceptance and love.
Myself, my son, and my daughter were in a car for over 40 hours. I am completely insane to want to spend that much time in a car with a 3 and 1 year old! The experience of it all was amazing, enlightening, and life changing.
We left Ulysses, Kansas and traveled first to Branson, Missouri. Spent a very short time with a few friends there. Met their wonderful son who is just a few months younger than Logan. They are friends of Nathan's. This is a family so rooted in the beliefs of God. Amazingly sweet and caring. I missed them the moment we left.
It was also the moment that I left them that I knew what I needed to do. What decision I had to make.
From Branson onto Knoxville. My admiration for my cousin is never ending. Such a strong, intelligent, compassionate, and honest person. Her ability to multitask and handle the hurdles of life never ceases to amaze me. Four wonderful days of gaining strength, encouragement. I do not think she realizes what an amazing person she is. I have always looked up to her and I am glad that in my time of my search for me, she was so willing to have me there.
The time spent taking pictures, conversing, watching the kids, and just observing her family is a memory I will forever hold dear. If you are reading this, I love you.
Leaving Knoxville we headed onto Nashville to visit someone I have not seen since I was little. I reflected on so many things in that short drive. I had made my decision long ago, now I had the strength to face it.
Nashville brought a comfort. Seeing this man and his family made me feel loved. This is someone I have not seen in years and they accepted me into their home and loved me as I am. As I am...what I concept I have learned this trip. Discussing with him the heavy issues weighing upon my heart, seeing the look upon his face. I knew I had been disappointing myself more than anyone else.
Nashville to Columbia. A long drive, more thoughts, more stumbling upon strength. Stumbling upon a reflection of what is, could be, should be. I almost skipped Columbia. Almost. I have been in constant thought of this man. Right after the storm hit, I had come across a picture of us together on one of my visits to Columbia to see the man I consider my brother, Shawn, and his best friend Russell. Staring at that picture, that smile, I wanted that back, I wanted me back. Who ever the hell that is.
So I did not skip Columbia. I needed to see this person just as much as I needed to see everyone else on my path. Watching our kids play together and accept one another was just awe inspiring, I am immediately in love with these amazing children. They fill me will laughter and hope, with will.
While I am still in the process of formulating words for all that has happened on my travels and at certain spots in particular, I am thankful for all of it. Stumbling across emotions, strengths, pieces of myself that I did not know even existed. We have to stumble and fall in order to stand up and brush the dirt off of our knees, cleanse our wounds, and heal.
From Columbia to Meade, Kansas where I dropped off my children onto Denver to spend time with childhood friends. I spent the next day with my youngest sister, mother, and grandmother in Greeley, Colorado. My Great-Grandfather was having surgery. I believe this time together, as short as it was, was a healing process for all of us in a way.
Now back in Ulysses, I reflect. What has happened? The unexpected, in more ways than one.
This trip has shown me I am a decent mother, no one was lost, hurt, I did not lose my cool and make anyone walk home. :) I am capable of being on my own, I am capable of being strong and doing what is in my heart and mind, what I feel is the right thing for me.
I have been filled with anger and resentment for way too long. My feeling of being disrespected and used will not go away. I cannot get past the incident that has opened up so many scars. Being tired of insecurity, lack of safety in my minds eye, I am killing all compassion I have.
My decision has and will continue to change my life and my children's lives. Change is scary, sometimes though it is necessary, and always the one that is constant. Everything changes.
Many are confused and hurt, many are angered. I am losing some friends, but I am gaining freedom. Freedom from self hatred, freedom from this disgust, violation. Yes I am leaving behind and losing much, but I am also gaining.
This is far from a poetic account of what has happened, much I still do not feel free yet to express. I will in time. When the time is right. For now I need to apologize, in order for me to survive and live, I must end some things. I only hope that this will allow others to grow and begin their own journey of finding who they are. It is a miraculous journey, filled with pain, tears, ghosts, demons, hope, new found trust, and re-found acceptance and love.
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