Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

When I was younger I had a huge issue with sleep. I rarely slept. I don't know if it was the environment I was in, or if it was natural. Over the counter sleeping pills were my friend. As I got older, mixing them with a beer helped. Then I got the "good stuff". I was prescribed sleeping medication.

When I was pregnant I slept all the time! I had no idea that growing a little one inside me would be so exhausting.

Now my sleeping patterns bounce back and forth. I am either always tired, or awake. My mind is still. I am not worried, or stressed. I just cannot sleep. Laying in bed with my eyes closed, concentrating on my breathing. Slow and steady.

Mediation comes second hand to me at these time. My mind actually has nothing in it. Clear. Calm. The waves are steady. The currents are nonexistent, and yet....I am awake.

The one thing I love about living in the country is that I can see the stars. While city lights may be pretty to many, I prefer the wonder of the night sky.

Calm. Cool. Crisp. The wind sweeps over my legs, down my arms. Not exactly the way to get me to close my eyes. Stepping outside only wakens my spirit and body more. While slightly counterproductive it is peaceful.

It's an amazing and overwhelming feeling knowing that everything is connected. The stone thrown into the pond makes ripples that moves the leaf to the other side. The breeze that touches me moves and touches another person.

In this moment of darkness, quiet and calm, all you can do is look at the stars. This is a good moment. A moment of reflection, meditation, and serenity.

No matter what your night time brings, may it always bring you the peace that your mind, heart, and spirit need to start another day. May the breeze calm your spirit, the stars shine down a new light to struggles, and the rising sun in the morning bring hope for new beginnings.

Where My Path Currently Is....

"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person." ~ Gerard Way

With my children at their fathers for the week, my husband working, I have had my fair share of being alone in my thoughts. Two years ago my thoughts were so overwhelming, so heart wrenching, confused muddle. Unable to wade through the waters of ideas, scars, lies, and pressure. It was just two years ago I lost my pit, and for a brief moment my strength to begin to rise from the ashes of death.

I spent time walking tonight. Down my driveway to the mailbox, the crunch of leaves, dirt, rocks, and the wings of birds swooping by. My mind is full. In the present my mind is full, but manageable. It is filled with determination, sorrow, and hope.

There are moments that I question the path I took. Leaving, finding my freedom. I hate not having my children full time. It is tough not being able to be there the way mothers are suppose to be. This makes me question if this path was right.

Through the lens of a camera my mind races as my eye traces the barb water. I can hear my therapists voice, my mothers reassurance, and feel the supportive embrace of my husband. Every time I stop walking down my path and turn around to see where I have been, I question.

The honest truth is, I would not be alive if I had not fought for my freedom. My journals are filled with such self hate that I cannot even imagine going through that again. No hope, no belief in freedom or happiness. Just pain, anger, sorrow and desperation.

My children get to see me happy, healthy. I am a better mother now because I have hope. I am able to show them what a healthy relationship is. Give them stability, love, security. The man that I share my life with, loves them.

Whenever we stop to look at the path we left, we should stop. Don't even turn back. Close your eyes, and look straight forward. Out of the fire rises the Phoenix.

Leaning against the post I can see my hand resting. A moment of realization and reassurance. The path I am on is the one I should be on. It is my path. This is where I belong, and I am so lucky to have the man I do by my side. So fortunate to have two amazing children who deserve to have a happy, healthy mother.

As I stood on the steps of my home, I closed my eyes. The sweet breeze cooling my skin as I smell dirt, weeds, and fields. The low hum of the irrigation motor reminding me that things progress, change, and move on.

My wings work, I am worthy of them. Thank you to all who continue to support me, and remind me not to question my decision. I know I should not feel guilty for loving my freedom.