Loving Me

While riding in the car the other day my daughter asked me, "Mommy am I pretty?". I replied, "Yes, of course. Don't you forget that either! You are beautiful!" My daughter smiled big in my rear view mirror, my boyfriend squeezed my hand and whispered, "Yeah mommy, don't you forget that."

Through out this blog there has been a common theme of the struggle I constantly have with loving and accepting myself. Since starting this blog I have had one hell of ride on a roller coaster. Many ups and downs. I have been in therapy, searched for words (Enagua), a long road trip to find myself (stumbling-of-strength), shaved my head completely bald (My Only Thing), a short stay at a mental hospital (Gone), finally going through with divorce papers, and now struggling to provide financially for my children.

While my divorce is yet final, things are finally working out.

You see a year ago I could not look in the mirror. I wanted to destroy so much of myself. When you are at a point where you cannot love yourself, cannot stand to be in your own skin, so much around you fails. Being blinded by that despair and feeling of disgust, there is no warmth to be felt from those around you.

I am as of this moment, so much happier. Why? Because I like me a lot more. Enagua, love me, a lot more! It took many steps, and I had so much support along the way. Bottom line though, I had to do it. I had to realize what was wrong in my life. Things I could change, and things I could not. Accept, appreciate, allow, absolve.

People know when you are not happy with yourself. I had a previous co-worker tell me recently, "I had no idea how unhappy you were until I have seen you as happy as you are now." Having my selfesteem increase has also been noticeable. My soon to be new boss told me today, you have no problem with self confidence! Yes, he meant it as a good thing!

All of these feelings we have about ourselves travel to our children, families, friends, spouses, and even affect our sexual drive. I may have gained ten pounds these past two months, but I am able to finally be intimate without hiding my face under a pillow or feeling uncomfortable having the lights on.

I just want to show to others out there, those who are struggling, you can love yourself. You are beautiful. You are amazing. We all are not perfect, but we are perfect in being us. I do not want to see anyone struggle the way I have. Please know you are not alone, there is always someone here to help.

As for me, I am going to turn the Wii back on. Cut down on the soda. Trim those ten pounds away again. Continue to enjoy the photos of me showing my happiness. Love my children extra. Learn to accept help, compliments, and accept some change. Still look to the strong women in my life, my amazing cousin, my mother, my sisters just to name a few! We are never truly alone and we are never truly as disgusting on the outside as we sometimes feel on the inside.