Perfect

Within the confinements of the glass

It is I who is resting last

The pressure building from within

I wonder when I shall see me again

Glimpses of what is underneath

A mask shields me

Truth betold I am lost

A label beseeches the person

Who am I to say this is wrong

An outsider no longer gone

Visions may lead the way

Heart and head astray

1/11/2011

Barely a month ago. My mind in a total different place then it is now. The screaming inside my muddle mess has at least stopped echoing. Now it is just a whisper of a conversation. 

The thoughts are still chaotic, random, never ending cycle. At least it is slower at times compared to before. 

Staring at pictures of myself a month ago, two months ago, I have been able to find my lack of hair attractive and suiting of me. Even now the face staring back is emerging to be someone other than a stranger.

My baby sister has shared a video with me that I feel fits my muddle mess almost perfectly. I am in awe of her understanding of me. The way she has been able to break through a barrier that few are allowed to go past. 

Watching this video has brought me back to my thoughts and writings from highschool. The anxiety I had walking into a room of my peers. The continual thoughts that people pitied me. Felt sorry for me, misunderstood, and disliked me. Not fitting in.

To this day I sometimes struggle with that. Trying to find a place of safety, a place to belong. Very few who are close to me are allowed past the gates of my inner thoughts. Fear of rejection is high, self esteem low. 

This is soemthing that is being worked through and worked on. Exploring the identity of me. Trying to change the way I view myself. Change the voices in my head.

I just want to say to my baby sister, thank you and I love you. Maybe I can start hearing the other voices around me that have repeated or tried to tell me the same thing you have. That you love me for me. I am perfect to you just as you are perfect to me. 

"Sister is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship." ~ Margaret Mead