How Do You Say Goodbye?

If you had the chance to have a last conversation with someone that you had lost, what would you say? Would you say anything different knowing it was the last time you would hear their voice?

I had that opportunity, times two, two different conversations, two people, two goodbyes, two last times. Would I do it differently now that it is over? Would I have said something else? Did I forget anything? The answer is no.

Being able to have the time with my Grandma to talk like we used to, about everything, was perfect. I was able to ramble on about my new job, selling our home, buying the new home, my dog, my kids, my fears, all in a conversation filled with energy and emotion last Friday morning. She smiled, reassured me, told me not to be scared.

I was able to express my gratitude and appreciation for all that she had done for me. To which she had replied, I have done nothing. At which time I was glad to produce a short list, taking me prom dress shopping, choosing colleges, moving me to college, hot teas, Arsenic and Old Lace, inspiring me to be artistic, listening to me talk, and buying me a car for school.

How can I even begin to express to this woman how much I loved her? In college I had to change my cell phone plan to meet the demands of how often we talked. No, my last conversations left nothing out. She recognized my voice before I even walked into her room. She knew I loved her, hopefully she knew how much I appreciated her.

My baby sisters father, a man in my life that loved me as his own. I was not even sure if he knew I was there most of last week, then Thursday. Thursday he cried, sat up and tried to hug me. Reaching out for me. I told him I was bringing his baby girl to see him the next day. Told him about Sandra and Karate, Logan and Diesel. I told him I was sorry for not bringing them to see him. Friday I brought my baby sister. Sang to him a childhood song I learned from his family that I sing to my children.

He recognized her, nodded when I said, see told you I would bring her. I told him I knew that he loved me. That I loved him. Apologizing as I left, explaining I had to get back to Kansas for a wedding. He nodded his head. 

I lost these two people, on the same day, hours apart. Do I have anything left to say that I should have said? Perhaps a simple I will miss you and thank you for one last conversation. 

Reflection of Grief

I am not even sure where to begin. My lack of writing has been hard on my thoughts and awful for my sleep. So I am going to make an effort to write again...

With the whirlwind of changes that my life is going through I am a little on edge. Most of the changes are exciting, good, and beneficial. These are stepping stones that are allowing for a path in a new direction, one I would not have even considered four months ago. My husband tells me everything happens for a reason, that it will all work out in the end. His faith leaves me in wonder and awe.

I on the other hand, need explanation and answers. In the end it balances out. 

There are though a few events I am still processing. Recently I have learned that a person whom cared for me and my sisters has lost her life. She was strangled to death by her boyfriend (allegedly at the time of this blog he has not been convicted, but did admit to it while being detained for another offense). 

This has brought up old fears and memories that I rarely visit. There were so many people that I cared for deeply that I had to let go of when I left home. The inability to watch them destroy their lives by choosing to live the lifestyle they had chosen for themselves was stronger than my ability to keep a relationship moving. 

Drugs have the ability to change a person. They will do things they wouldn't have if they were sober. Physically meth destroys you. Mentally it can break you. In this case I believe that it was a major factor in the domestic violence that led to the death of this woman.

I am working on a small project to help me with closure and the grieving process I am slowly allowing myself to go through in regards to the tragic loss of this woman. Additionally I am trying to rebuild on a couple of relationships that I have allowed to wither. It has also made me analyze and admit where my boundaries should be with others. 

The difficulty of saying goodbye now in this case is hard. The attempt to let go of this relationship in the past I thought was finalized. Now that it is final, I feel immense guilt in avoiding the attempted contact that was given me. Why did I not just accept it? What was I afraid of? The only answer I have is that I was protecting myself. By choosing to not have a relationship with people who are living in that type of lifestyle I am making a feeble attempt to not get close. So when the drama, death, illness, jail time, and chaotic events happen, I am not as emotionally drained or exposing my children to such events.

So why is this hitting me so hard? Because I did not properly say goodbye before hand. What if? What if one thing I said, one picture I sent, gave a moment of happiness? What if that connection could have given a moment to another of not feeling alone? An escape from what sounds like was a rough and unhappy life?

I know that one moment isn't much, but really when you think about it, that's all we really have. One moment to live at a time. It is that one moment, one memory added with another that leaves us with a life that we can say we LIVED.

What if is an awful game that we as people tend to play. Instead of playing it, I am going to attempt to improve the relationships I have now and not lose that opportunity again.

“What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived. It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.”  ~Nelson Mandela~