Reflections of Mass

It had been awhile since attending Mass. The holidays aggravate me and make it tough for me to go with an open mind. This hinders my own spiritual fulfillment. No point in going if I cannot meditate.

We went to Mass, the Sunday after New Years. Two large Christmas trees are surrounding the cross and ‘Jesus’. Beautiful trees, red ribbon, gold ornaments, lights, a smaller tree sitting in front next to a manager in front of the pews.

I find the trees to be both odd and yet pretty. Strange mix of symbols in a building of worship based on the Christian faith.

My arms feel empty and alone. The two children whom are normally in the pews with me are not with me today. I know they would have been in awe over these decorations. Sandra would have loved the readings about the star leading people to the little baby Jesus. My heart aches. Something is missing; I do not feel whole.

I watch the little boy in front of me, impatiently grabbing his mom’s shirt.  I can almost feel Logan next to me, Sandra holding my hand.

Beyond the missing feeling of my children not being at my side two other things have happened at mass. One, my irritation with a brochure sends me into a small tangent on birth control and abortion. The second, Shawn made a public announcement.

For now, I am skipping my tangent. This blog is not about my stance on birth control or the mix of politics and religion. It is about my inner feelings in regards to my life. How I feel about my family, the loved ones in my life. What is going through my mind about what directly affects me.

The public announcement was not one of verbal communication. It was an action. Shawn has moved in with the children and I. To the majority of the people reading this, I know this may not seem like a big deal. To us, it is. Shawn was not comfortable of the idea of living with us without us being married. His faith resides with the Catholic Church. He is no longer able to take communion.

If you are Catholic, you know how important, intertwined taking communion is with your faith. If you are not Catholic, none of this is making sense to you.

The Holy Eucharist is viewed as one of the most important of the seven sacraments. It is here theists receive what they view as the blood and body of their savior. Communion is intimate, personal connection. As Pope John Paul II had said, “The Eucharist builds the Church. It deepens unity with the Church, more fully assimilating us into Christ.”

Catholics have specified rules, guidelines put into place in order to take communion. Shawn no longer meets these guidelines. He is living in what the church views as sin. This is a sin that keeps him from taking the Body of Christ, the Eucharist.

The moment where the congregation joins in taking in this symbolic ritual had arrived. I stand to walk to the end of the pew to allow those near me to move past and go towards the front to partake in this ritual. Shawn stays next to me. He motions for me to sit back down. I am perplexed and confused. He is not taking communion.

This moment is significant in two ways. One, he has truly decided and is okay with living with me without being married; at least in the short term. Two, he has announced this through actions to those around us.

Yes, there are other reasons for not taking communion. This is a small community though and those who noticed will have a good idea of why he did not participate. Publically he announced this commitment to his peers.

So while I had empty arms from the absence of my children, my heart was warmed by the actions of my partner. I am also feeling incredibly guilty that I am a cause of his inability to take communion. No, I do not believe in God or the rituals that make his faith. I do respect and love him though. I only hope that this is not a hard sacrifice he will regret. Perhaps in the short term sacrifice is worth the long-term outcome.

Puzzles

Closing my eyes I run my fingertips over the surface; little bumps and crevices teasing my senses as it grazes over the top of the pieces. I can feel where each piece begins, ends, connects, and where some are still missing.

This puzzle sitting unfinished on my dining room table reminds me of my life, the changes, the picture, and the pieces still missing.

Most people will put the border of a puzzle together first. This serves as the building block, a foundation. Then by starting with one particular portion of the puzzle you separate out the pieces that are more likely to fit together. Eventually all your pieces are put together and make a picture.

Right now I feel so overwhelmed by the unfinished pieces, the colors, I have lost sight of the pieces that are already put together. Tonight I am taking the time to appreciate the pieces that are starting to make an amazing painting.

Each piece is unique, special just to it. Cut to form and fit perfectly with those around it.  If I were to open my eyes I know I would see the emergence of frogs. On a closer, more detailed level, I would see the lines and curves that make up each piece.

I am not sure if we are all pieces to a puzzle bigger than ourselves, or if we are a puzzle that we are putting the pieces to. Either way I do not believe that puzzle is ever truly finished, nor do we find all the pieces that are suppose to fit.

It is not about the puzzle you see. It is about finding the pieces.

Here I sit, enjoying the pieces around me. Including the one that I have yet to figure out where to put it in the big puzzle. That piece is me. No matter what, the picture is astounding, and the puzzle is an amazing complex one.

Peaceful, relaxed, grateful. I am not sure what else to say. Other than here is to the pieces that make our life whole, and to the whole of our life that make the pieces uniquely our own.