Down The River

"If a man going down into a river, swollen and swiftly flowing, is carried away by the current - how can he help others across?" ~The Buddha~

It feels as though it has been way to long since I have written anything. My mind has been on a constant go of connection and wonder.

Currently in my little part of the world it is corn harvest. This is a time of year that I have a love-hate relationship with. When I think of peace, I think of one of two things. A corn field, or of water. Living where I do there is a lot more of the first than the second!

Tall stalks, sharp leaves, soft tips, a world you could easily get lost in. Rows orderly, little mounds of dirt, smells of freshness and life. To walk through a cornfield is to renew my mind. Complete silence eventually overtakes my thoughts. This as you know is a rarity for me, a treasured moment when my mind goes still. Closing my eyes I can concentrate on the sound of the breeze rustling through the corn. Sounds like whispers from Earth waiting to tell little secrets.

We all need to have our moments of mindful silence. That moment to reconnect with what calms us, inspires us, renews us, and brings us peace. Without this we will become drained. For me when I become drained, I also become self doubting and overwhelmed. When we are at this point we are no use to anyone, especially ourselves.

I have been that woman caught in the flowing current of the rivers. Barely able to stay afloat and capture gusts of air so I may breathe. The never ending battle of just surviving. So much is lost when we are this person. The beauty of the world around us is forgotten. Our identity is misplaced. We become unable to make it to the shoreline so we can continue our journey of growth.

It is then we are unable to help those who may be in need. This inability to bring a smile, compassion, or helping hand to another is a cause for more suffering and harm that could otherwise be avoidable.

Due to once being caught in the river, I know I must seek my peace. We all must learn to recognize when we are to that point in our lives. The point of losing our peace, clarity, and compassion. Once we are able to recognize that, we can then learn to build our rafts and help not only ourselves across the river but those in need that do not have the tools yet to make their own raft.

I am thankful tonight for knowing that I am on a good path of that self recognition. My only hope is to become that better person who is able to help others with their own rafts.

Reanalyze, Rediscover, Recreate

"The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for." ~ Oscar Wilde

On the way home my children are talking and giggling in the back seat as I am on the phone discussing a friends upcoming job interview. After hanging up I hear from the back seat, "Can I paint Aunt Jan a picture for you to take to her tomorrow?"

My thoughtful little one. It is really amazing to see how little kids go from the rules of a toddler, to being a compassionate, caring, sensitive and thoughtful person in the making.

If you are exposed to children you have the pleasure to watch them develop and grow. Yet, when we reach a certain age it appears our growing stops. In reality our growing, developing and changing never ends. Of course there are those of us that refuse, or do not want to grow and move and change. That inaction causes change, not always progressive change, but change.

It is okay to question who you were, you are, and who you want to be. There is a process in discovering who you are. Reanalyze, rediscover and recreate.

This is not a process that comes natural to everyone. I am in a constant battle with myself when trying to reanalyze how I feel, what I think, what I am learning. Then again, I over think thus I will overanalyze. Thankfully I have an amazing support system that has learned to humor me as I over think, over process, and over analyze.

One of my main goals through therapy right now is to limit my over thinking, and learning to do a little more accepting.

It's natural to get comfortable, stay in a rut or a place of content. I want to start to do better. Fine tune my patience, learn to bite my tongue, and find ways to be a more encouraging person. I want to make sure that I spend time letting those I know that I love and care for them that I do.

So little by little I have started a set of goals. We will see how well I do and how I handle the obstacle. You cannot move a mountain, you can however move one stone at a time to build a tunnel for the train to go through. I am going to start designing my tunnel.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

When I was younger I had a huge issue with sleep. I rarely slept. I don't know if it was the environment I was in, or if it was natural. Over the counter sleeping pills were my friend. As I got older, mixing them with a beer helped. Then I got the "good stuff". I was prescribed sleeping medication.

When I was pregnant I slept all the time! I had no idea that growing a little one inside me would be so exhausting.

Now my sleeping patterns bounce back and forth. I am either always tired, or awake. My mind is still. I am not worried, or stressed. I just cannot sleep. Laying in bed with my eyes closed, concentrating on my breathing. Slow and steady.

Mediation comes second hand to me at these time. My mind actually has nothing in it. Clear. Calm. The waves are steady. The currents are nonexistent, and yet....I am awake.

The one thing I love about living in the country is that I can see the stars. While city lights may be pretty to many, I prefer the wonder of the night sky.

Calm. Cool. Crisp. The wind sweeps over my legs, down my arms. Not exactly the way to get me to close my eyes. Stepping outside only wakens my spirit and body more. While slightly counterproductive it is peaceful.

It's an amazing and overwhelming feeling knowing that everything is connected. The stone thrown into the pond makes ripples that moves the leaf to the other side. The breeze that touches me moves and touches another person.

In this moment of darkness, quiet and calm, all you can do is look at the stars. This is a good moment. A moment of reflection, meditation, and serenity.

No matter what your night time brings, may it always bring you the peace that your mind, heart, and spirit need to start another day. May the breeze calm your spirit, the stars shine down a new light to struggles, and the rising sun in the morning bring hope for new beginnings.

Where My Path Currently Is....

"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person." ~ Gerard Way

With my children at their fathers for the week, my husband working, I have had my fair share of being alone in my thoughts. Two years ago my thoughts were so overwhelming, so heart wrenching, confused muddle. Unable to wade through the waters of ideas, scars, lies, and pressure. It was just two years ago I lost my pit, and for a brief moment my strength to begin to rise from the ashes of death.

I spent time walking tonight. Down my driveway to the mailbox, the crunch of leaves, dirt, rocks, and the wings of birds swooping by. My mind is full. In the present my mind is full, but manageable. It is filled with determination, sorrow, and hope.

There are moments that I question the path I took. Leaving, finding my freedom. I hate not having my children full time. It is tough not being able to be there the way mothers are suppose to be. This makes me question if this path was right.

Through the lens of a camera my mind races as my eye traces the barb water. I can hear my therapists voice, my mothers reassurance, and feel the supportive embrace of my husband. Every time I stop walking down my path and turn around to see where I have been, I question.

The honest truth is, I would not be alive if I had not fought for my freedom. My journals are filled with such self hate that I cannot even imagine going through that again. No hope, no belief in freedom or happiness. Just pain, anger, sorrow and desperation.

My children get to see me happy, healthy. I am a better mother now because I have hope. I am able to show them what a healthy relationship is. Give them stability, love, security. The man that I share my life with, loves them.

Whenever we stop to look at the path we left, we should stop. Don't even turn back. Close your eyes, and look straight forward. Out of the fire rises the Phoenix.

Leaning against the post I can see my hand resting. A moment of realization and reassurance. The path I am on is the one I should be on. It is my path. This is where I belong, and I am so lucky to have the man I do by my side. So fortunate to have two amazing children who deserve to have a happy, healthy mother.

As I stood on the steps of my home, I closed my eyes. The sweet breeze cooling my skin as I smell dirt, weeds, and fields. The low hum of the irrigation motor reminding me that things progress, change, and move on.

My wings work, I am worthy of them. Thank you to all who continue to support me, and remind me not to question my decision. I know I should not feel guilty for loving my freedom.

The War On Women In America

As I glance through headlines and read news articles a trending theme that stands out to me is this war on women in my home country. At first, I will admit, I fed into the fear. Now as time has passed I am getting slightly embarrassed.

In high school I read a book called "The Women's Room" by Marilyn French. If you have not read it yet, and you are a woman, I encourage you to do so. It painted a world of what it was like to be a woman in the 50's and 60's. This book combined with another book, "The Cider House Rules" by John Irving, is when my perspective of women, women's rights, and abortion were slowly starting to be formed.

Falling in love with women in history such as Emmeline Pankhurst, Rosa Parks, Joan of Arc, Florence Nightingale, Mother Teresa, Margaret Sanger, Janis Joplin, Emily Dickinson, Anne Frank, Silvia Plath, Amelia Earhart, Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, and Jane Austen to name a few. Each one of these women inspiring me as a female, a woman in the making, a different way.

Now as a mother of a daughter, I try to raise her to be a confident, independent, woman who finds herself beautiful and intelligent. I do not want her to look for approval and love in the arms of a man, but rather in the reflection staring back at her.

As a mother of a son, I want to raise a man who is respectful, kind, patient and caring. A man who knows what "NO" means, never abuses, manipulates, or repress a partner that will share his life. Rather one that will be a partner to walk beside that person, not leading them but joining them.

As an American woman, I am thankful.

March is Women's History Month. I encourage every woman reading this to pick a female from history and learn about her. We, (American Women), have traveled a long path to get to where we are today.

Before I continue I want to set this straight for the record. I am Pro-Choice as set by Roe V. Wade. I believe in a woman's right to choose, and to do so without the judgement of another. It is a very personal, hard decision that should not be made by the government for a woman.

That said, there is no war on women in America.

Women around the world are not allowed to drive, vote, go to school, or even walk outside without a man.

We live in the United States of America, where I am not in fear of the government terminating my pregnancy because I already had one child.

We are not stoned to death when we are raped, because it is believed and perceived that we have tarnished our family's name.

In Morocco there is a law that allows rapists to marry their victims in order to avoid prosecution.

In the Middle East access to birth control is a joke. Here we have access to birth control.

Under Sharia law, husbands can beat their wives. The wives have no rights or ability to fight or protect themselves.

Women's genitalia are destroyed. Grown men rape young infant girls out of the belief that it will cure AIDS.

These are the items I consider to be war on women. Not if I am going to have to pay out of pocket for an abortion that is safe, legal, sterile and performed by a licensed physician. I will gladly pay out of pocket for birth control, the morning after pill, and any other service that is available to me as a woman in the United States.

Why? Because I am blessed to live where I do. My time, energy, and money to fight a war on women is better spent on education, humanity groups, and other ways of advocating for the 3 year old little girl who has to undergo life saving surgery for being raped; for the prevention of another 16 year old female from committing suicide because she was forced to marry her rapist.

I only ask that you take the time as an American woman to be thankful for what we have, and see the real war on women that occurs around the world every day.

Where I Am...

"There is no way to happiness - happiness is the way."~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Each morning I gaze upon the eastern skyline. My mind races, wondering, should I grab my camera? What does the clouds look like? Will they break up and be like stepping stones so far above my reach? I love it when the clouds turn into stepping stones. I have yet to get a good photograph of them that way. Pinned forever in an electronic image for me to keep.

I feel slightly guilty that I want to capture such beauty for me to behold whenever I want. Fear creeps into my spirit, what if having it that way for myself keeps me from looking for it each morning? The small, yet intimate connection I have with the world each time I hopefully seek it out.

Each night I wait. Listening carefully for the sounds of giggling and talking coming from my children's room. Partly hoping they are sleeping, yet I am secretly delighted in hearing their laughter.

Feeling the fur from my dog tickle my nose as I nuzzle my forehead against his. Feeling his soft warm breath against my skin. His expressive smile unfolds as our silence connects us. This companion of mine has always seemed to read my mind. He could be completely asleep, I just look at him and think of him, his eyes open and lifting his head to meet my gaze. While now in his old age he doesn't respond as much, but he is still tuned into my emotions just as much as ever.

The helpful hands moving about. Placing dishes on the table. Filling children's glasses. Constantly he is there doing, helping, showering me, and the children with love. He never falters, sensing when my mind is off in a different place. Able to read me as though I am a familiar book. Knowing what page will bring what outcome. He is my husband, my companion, my best friend.

When in need of beauty of far away places, I need not travel very far. I can search through so many of the most amazing photographs taken by a friend. Read of travels of yet another.

I am at a settling point upon my path. No more jagged rocks, bushes or trees in my way. Just a faintly beaten path. Beautiful in surroundings. Peaceful and pleasant to both my eyes and my ears. My spirit and mind are consistent in where I am.

Where am I? I am happy. I have found my way.