The Atheist at Mass

It’s Sunday morning and I have my daughter by my side. We are sitting in a pew at Catholic service. That is right the atheist is at Mass. For the third time sense Ash Wednesday I am watching a ritual of religion that does not deviate from the routine worship. 

My little girl is all smiles and joy. She tells me her favorite part is where we greet others and say “peace be with you”. Ironically that is one of the parts I dread. While wishing peace to others is a wonderful thought, secretly I am uncomfortable. My reasons for being at Mass are slightly different than those around me. 

For roughly an hour a week I have alone time with my daughter. She is being exposed to another part of the Christian faith that she has not been previously. This experience has opened a new world to her. Being able to compare and contrast the differences she knows of I am surprised about how well she understands the rituals.

Sitting at my side or on my lap she holds my hand, and gives me hugs. This is her time with her mom. As we go to our knees she sits in between my legs and either pretends to play the paino or she looks up and smiles at me and talks about the light shining through the stained glass.

She admires the man hanging on the cross, I am perplexed by it. 

So what is this atheist doing in Mass you ask? I am taking this time to reflect and meditate. Admiring my bond with my daughter. 

I may not believe what is being said, but I still find beauty in portions of it. 

My plans are to continue taking her to Mass through Easter. At which point we will switch  churches and allow her to be exposed to other branches of the Christian faith. As time passes and she becomes older we will begin exploring the other faiths. 

So to my Catholic friends, thank you for greeting this atheist with smiles and open arms.

The Artwork of My Brain

“’But I don’t want to go among mad people’, Alice remarked. ‘Oh, you can’t help that’, said the Cat. ‘We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad’. ‘How do you know I’m mad?’, said Alice. ‘You must be’, said the Cat. ‘or you wouldn’t have come here’.” ~Alice In Wonderland

Looking at the world around me, the world we live in, I feel we all must be mad. If we weren’t we wouldn’t be here still. 

There is a thin line between being sane and insane I think. Many are uncomfortable with that thought. A thought of a larger boundary keeping the two groups of people apart appears to be safer, secure, normal.

Truth is, we all walk that line at some point in time in our lives. It is a tightrope dance testing our skills and abilities. Sometimes we fall. With falling we can get back on, or we can walk away. That choice is an individual choice.

Our bodies are so complex. The brain is the captain of this ship, the overseer of our temple. Information is constantly being received, analyzed, and sent back out. Storing information from experiences and the source of our thoughts, moods and emotions.

The fact that there are billions of interconnected cells, little highways, allowing us to be critical thinkers, create art, is amazing. 

The chemistry of the brain is a beautiful work of art by nature. However, it is this chemistry that can produce artwork that is only beautiful in the eye of the beholder.

“Brain chemistry and mental illness. All the brain's functions depend on the normal action of neurotransmitters. An excess or deficiency of a specific transmitter or group of transmitters may lead to a serious disorder in thought, mood, or behaviour. For example, studies have suggested that chemical imbalances in the brain play a significant role in several types of mental illnesses. There is some evidence that the brain produces too much dopamine in a severe mental illness called schizophrenia. This excess of dopamine may create emotional disturbances and cause a person to see things and hear sounds that do not exist.”  http://www.a2zpsychology.com/articles/biology_of_the_brain_page2.php

I have been reading facts about the brain tonight, everything from weight to oxygen use. Overwhelmingly brillant and beautiful. As I learn and understand more the hows and whys of my chemical makeup, it will be easier to see the artwork that my brain has produced for me. Mental illness and all.

I am choosing to admire both sides of my line. To admire and love them both. For we all must be a little mad, in some way.

Mental Illness ~ The Stigma

It has been a little over a month since leaving the Behavioral Health Services floor at St. Catherines. The majority of people close to me have been exceptionally encouraging. Yet, there is still a stigma some attach.

“Why is that you are open about your mental illness and hospitalization?” A question someone I know asked me the other day. My answer was simply to help myself heal and educate others on mental illnesses.

“Researchers found that while more people understand mental illness is caused by brain biology, that hasn’t translated into a decrease in stigmatization.” Whitney Blair Wyckoff, Despite Deeper Understanding of Mental Illness, Stigma Lingers, published September 17, 2010. http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2010/09/17/129937437/still-a-stigma-for-mental-illness

The video I have posted above shows statistics for Canada. However, it is still relevant to anyone in regards to what it has to say about mental illness.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, in 2008 13.4% of adults in the United States RECEIVED treatment for a mental health problem.

The scientific understanding of the brain and mental illness has improved immensely. Unfortunately our social acceptance and attitudes have not. 

Thankfully I have been surrounded by family and friends who understand, encourage, and support me during my depression, my struggle, and my recovery. Thank you!

For those reading this that is struggling, please know you are NOT alone. 

For more information on mental illness and the stigmas attached to it, please visit the following sites:

http://www.mentalhealthconnection.org/stigma.php

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml

http://www.nmha.org/

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-the-Stigma-of-Mental-Illness

Bodhichitta

“Bodhichitta - Our “mind of love” is the deep wish to cultivate understanding in ourselves in order to bring happiness to many beings. It is the motivating force for the practice of mindful living. With bodhichitta at the foundation of our thinking, everything we do or say will help others be liberated. Right Thinking also gives rise to Right Diligence.” The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, Thich Nhat Hanh

I am learning on how to not destroy myself with the mindless and endless cycle of ill thoughts. Each step is small in my healing process, but meaningful.

Today Nathan took me to the park and we walked along the paths among the trees and water. Yes Southwest Kansas has both! Not many...but some. 

A great day to be outside. The slight breeze brushing upon my skin. While sitting on a bench in front of the small man made pond I closed my eyes and could hear the ducks playing in the water. The small amount of leaves rustling above in the branches. Children playing in the park nearby. Cellphones ringing, shoes beating the ground.

A small spider wanted to take refuge under my shoe. 

Just like the complexity of the way all of these pieces of life work, I am slowly understanding the complexity of myself. Piece by piece it will be put together. Leaving a picture whole and amazing. As each of us truly are.

I did something today I rarely do. Handed over my camera to Nathan. So now I have some pictures of me, just enjoying nature. Myself and Chico. Nathan did a great job and I am treasuring the pictures he took. 

Part of the understanding of my inner self is being able to view my outer self. I can find beauty in so many things, myself is rarely one of them. 

While walking along the path there was this amazing tree with thorns on the outside. Beauty at its best in nature. Sharp thorns, hard under my fingers. These I found to be fascinating. I have a slight fascination with barb wire and this was natures barb wire to me.

We have spent a large amount of time outside the past couple of days. The inner strength from within is stronger than it has in the past. Sunshine and breezes have made me feel refreshed. The kids love it of course. A small garden will do us all wonders. Now if only I can keep something alive in it!

The wheat across the way is growing. I have watched as the tractor has plowed the field behind my home preparing it be planted. Before I know it my beloved corn fields will be here. 

My Spiritual Journey ~ Part 3 Final Destination

Last night an amazing peace came to me. Even as this morning provided a moment of stress and anxiety, a calmness underneath was still present. 

An amazing thing happened last night that brought on the calm within the storm. A portion of who I am became exceptionally clear to me. After the realization I felt this sense of wow.

A friend sent me this message.

"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?" ~Douglas Adams

Borrowed a quote from you. Lol. I would compare it to a great book, beautiful painting, or an amazing sculpture. You can appreciate these things by just reading or looking but doesn't it add so much more when you learn about the one who wrote, painted or sculpted these beautiful pieces of art?"

I knew my answer instinctively. Upon this I recalled a conversation I had with another friend in January of last year. I still had the e-mail.

“I have a creator. The complexity of nature and the natural works we see every day. It is this that we live on and thrive from. Why must I tell a god that is seen as a single creator but spoken in a sense as multiple thank you? It is not that figment I need to thank. Rather the scientists learning about the life and the way it works. It is them that has opened the knowledge and understanding an possibilities for continual growth.”

For me this artist is the natural order of science and nature. Reading over my last blog regarding the frog I see the connection I have. This overwhelming tie. Constantly I am drawn over and over again to cornfields, to water, to nature.

I do not believe in a god. 

Many reading this a sense of dread my overcome you. To me saying these seven words is a relief. I feel lighter, at peace. 

A whole new world has opened up in my eyes. I have so much to learn about the way everything works. So much to devour and process from the molecular level to the complexity of the inner workings of the mind. 

To me, there is no creator making these things happen. It just is. My desire and pull towards the philosophy of Buddhism is still here, if not stronger. The idea of retraining your mind. The ability to think differently, right mindfulness is a strong desire of mine.

Additionally I have been given another label, Secular Humanism. 

Secular. “Pertaining to the world or things not spiritual or sacred.”

Humanism. “Any system of thought or action concerned with the interests or ideals of people … the intellectual and cultural movement … characterized by an emphasis on human interests rather than … religion.”

— Webster’s Dictionary

“Secular humanism is comprehensive, touching every aspect of life including issues of values, meaning, and identity. ..Secular humanism is philosophically naturalistic. It holds that nature (the world of everyday physical experience) is all there is, and that reliable knowledge is best obtained when we query nature using the scientific method. Naturalism asserts that supernatural entities like God do not exist, and warns us that knowledge gained without appeal to the natural world and without impartial review by multiple observers is unreliable...Secular humanism provides a cosmic outlook—a world-view in the broadest sense, grounding our lives in the context of our universe and relying on methods demonstrated by science. Secular humanists see themselves as undesigned, unintended beings who arose through evolution, possessing unique attributes of self-awareness and moral agency...Secular humanists hold that ethics is consequential, to be judged by results. This is in contrast to so-called command ethics, in which right and wrong are defined in advance and attributed to divine authority. “No god will save us,” declared Humanist Manifesto II (1973), “we must save ourselves.” Secular humanists seek to develop and improve their ethical principles by examining the results they yield in the lives of real men and women.”

http://www.secularhumanism.org/index.php?section=main&page=what_is

I have always associated compassion and acceptance with religion. The realization that I had last night is I do not need nor believe in a god in order to have these qualities to be a part of who I am. This is a concept that I have struggled with this entire time.

Many people can do wonders in the world, all because they want to. I do not need a creator to tell me to be kind to others. It is in everyone's interest to do good for the sake of mankind. 

I still have an admiration for those who have faith, a religion. My children will still learn about the different types of religion in the world. They will be given the tools and knowledge needed to make this choice on their own someday. No matter what that choice is, it is right for them and I will support them. 

For me though, I have always been an Atheist. I am just now accepting and realizing it. The negativity people associate with this is unbelievable. Perhaps I can at least show my friends and family that it is not so. More importantly I have been able to begin to define who I am.  I am Desiree. 

My Spiritual Journey ~ Part 2 "The Frog And The Fairy"

After walking along a dirt path a choice usually comes up. Do you take the turn on the left, or the right? Currently I am staring at both paths, one then the other. I wonder. Thats it, I just wonder which path to take.

One is labeled “Creator/God(s)”. The second labled “No Creator Here”.

After much reading, thinking, listening and “soul searching” this is where I am at in my journey.

“Sometimes it proves the highest understanding not to understand.” ~Gracian

The one thing that I find to be amazing about faith is the fire that burns inside the believer. The instinct that says this is the truth. Amazing to see that love and compassion in action.

Perhaps there is something to not over analyzing. Just accepting some things are unexplainable and in the hands of a higher being. That we are in the arms of a God or Goddess. Everything happens for a reason. It is a part of a higher plan than we will ever be able to understand. So why waste the time in trying to understand it? Embrace it.

Stop questioning, stop searching for the emiculate proof. Once this is achieved, perhaps then I will understand.

"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?" ~Douglas Adams

However, why? Why do I need a higher being? When I first read this quote I giggled. Then, a friend sent it to me. To be honest I was a bit taken back. The true meaning of why it was sent was lost to me at the time. Now, I get it.

My instinctive connection to nature has been inside of me since I was little. I remember living in a trailer out on the farm. Running outside and into the very edges of the cornfield. To this day I will walk out my back door and into the edges of the cornfield.

The complexity of the Earth, the stars, and moons to name just a few, are intriguing. It is almost like a gravational pull the way I admire it all. 

Nature works so perfectly.  Absolute and intrinsic in the way each living creature grows and changes. Look at the frog. First the egg is laid in water, this egg begins as a single cell. This single cell splits into two, then four, and so on. This mass of cells in the egg form an embryo. Organs and gills begin to form. After a period the embryo leaves the jelly shell and becomes a tadpole.

This tadpole begins to change. Hind legs grow, then front legs. The tail begins to become smaller while lungs develop. Sheding their skin and lips. Eleven weeks after the egg was laid a fully developed frog emerges.

Amazingly beautiful.

So why do I need to search for the fairy in this process? Why do I need a god or a creator to have this amazing life process occur? 

Currently I am listening to the Faith Instinct on audiobook. Trying to understand why we, the human race, desire instinctively a faith.

So before I proceed I need to answer is there a god?

Then a friend made me think. Maybe that is not the question to answer first. Perhaps I need to ask myself “Can I believe God is possible?”.

Possible~ adj.

1) that may be or can be, exist, happen, be done, be used

2) that may be true or may be the case, as something concerning which one has no knowledge to the contrary

I refer back to the quote about searching for fairies. It is possible the fairies may exisit. Anything is possible. Do I need the fairies in order to enjoy the garden and find it beautiful? Without the fairies is the garden any less alive?