Adytum

While I hear rustling of the footsteps, I am silent

Near the edge of inner-awareness, I realize I exist

Quiet, Breath, and Reflection

This is what I am

This is what I feel

This is my Adytum

My fascination with certain words has been apparent in previous posts. I tend to latch onto a word and hold it. Many times I fear sharing the word. You cannot hold onto a word like a physical piece of property. Something to hide or that has monetary value, not words. Language is far more precious than that.

Yet, it is that word that often brings warmth, connection, significance, or some sort of realization that I want to hold dear. To share the word often exposes a part of me that I may not be fully ready to share. Fearful to allow such exposure to an inner world be opened up.

This blog has been though just that in the past. So what a more perfect place than to allow the safety net to drop than here?

I partly blame my high school English teacher, Mrs. Harper who had me write an entire paper over the word nostalgia. It was a daunting task that I dragged my feet doing the entire time. Looking back I think I owe her a huge thank you note. Perhaps over the word thankful…

My iTouch has given me the word of the day. Adytum.

Adytum - noun - a sacred place that the public is forbidden to enter; an inner shrine

Throughout my adolescent years much of my poetry had contained many remarks or references to a building of my own world. More recently I often find myself reverting to a world of my own that I do not allow many in. Usually it resides amongst the stalks of a corn field, or listening to a Great Lake whisper secrets to me as a new friend watches silently by. In any case we all have our own adytum.

The place we go to for reassurance, to regain composure, center ourselves, so we may reconnect with the universe and the people around us.

I am unsure if we truly allow anyone in. We may allow them to walk among the garden, sit in our library, or eat dinner. To truly go to our inner shrine, our sanctuary, that is an honorary exception. Often those visits are short lived, a breath, a blink of an eye and it is gone. For me when someone gets that close to stepping inside I want to push away.

How could someone feel comfortable inside such an intimate place that is designed for someone else? Would there be understanding? Approval? Is there need for approval? The fact that this is an individual’s safe place, their own world, the fear of it not being acceptable could indeed shatter it. Thus no longer being our very own place, and if we allowed everyone in, it would no longer be forbidden or private.

There are times though when we as individuals wish to penetrate those walls, asks for the key to the gates, and want to do more than just visit. How do we give those keys over?

This world of our own is not always a specific place we go to, but sometimes just the inner feelings we do not like to share or wish to keep to ourselves. The underlying connections or emotions that we keep to ourselves, or in the least try to.

Right now I feel a little uncomfortable and yet at the same time safer, almost a strange relief comes over me when I realize that someone else is able to see into my world at times. The vision he sees is not always clear, and the physical cues are not obvious, but he knows where my mind is at.

To have someone able to do this, almost feel a connection that words cannot describe, is scary and yet not. Allowing someone into my inner world may not be my first desire, I am perplexed and curious. How will this impact my life? How does this effect my relationship? What if….

My what ifs must not override or take control. I need to learn to trust my adytum, my inner world and sanctuary. Allowing one person in will not mean a whole floodgate will open for the masses, but could mean for an amazing partnership.

While I hear rustling of the footsteps, I am silent

Near the edge of inner-awareness, I realize I exist

Quiet, Breath, and Reflection

This is what I am

This is what I feel

This is my Adytum