It has been a year since I committed myself to the mental ward of St. Catherine's. This milestone has came with many emotions. I never dreamed it would bring on so many thoughts, or impact me the way it has.
There are still days when I sit and wonder if the diagnosis was right. Where my mind won't shut off and the internal struggle becomes overwhelming.
Honestly though, not as much, not as tensely, not with as much pressure or passion. I look at pictures of me now, and I think wow, who is that? I don't recognize the smiles, the sheer gleam of happiness that I see. I am heavier than last year. The weight gain bothers me but not enough to keep me from looking at the photos. At least briefly. I still have issues with photos and mirrors. Some day I will be able to look in a mirror. For now though I am still appreciating the inner portions of who I am. I am learning that my mind is beautiful. I am a good mom who loves her children. More importantly, I have given smiles to those who have needed it. I am spreading good in a world where that is hard to find at times.
While I was in the hospital I had taken my little green god of war. He was popular among the patients and comforting to me. On the day one of the fellow patients was leaving to go to another place, he had to show his family my god of war. Smiling he presented the green stuffed animal telling the story of this object and how he wanted to read these books. I had impacted this fellow man in a positive way. Giving him something to smile about, to look forward to.
The other patient I became close to had many voices to deal with in his own head. The day I was suppose to be released he threatened to break my frog I had made out of melty beads. He asked me what would you do if I broke this?
Seeing my frog in his hands, I became nervous but soon realized the truth. He was not going to break it, he was upset I was leaving. So I said, I would think you needed to break something. Puzzled he looked at me and said, you wouldn't be mad? No, I wouldn't be mad. Break it if you need to.
He gave me the frog.
These two people impacted my recovery, my recognition of my issues, my life, what I wanted to be, who I was. I shall never forget them even if I couldn't tell you their names.
Shawn believes that everything happens for a reason. That we are who we are because of the people in our lives. How they help mold us, change us, the experiences we have because of them.
A friend I care about tremendously commented to me that he does not need to be tied down, to have to have someone in order to be complete.
I think that for me, it is somewhere in the middle. When I was born I was suppose to be a certain person. Born with certain personality traits, talents, weaknesses. That said, I do not need someone to complete me, rather everyone in my life has helped complete me.
I could not imagine where I would be today after the past two years if it wasn't for certain people in my life. They helped keep the muddy waters from turning into a hurricane swallowing the shores of my home whole.
Yet, Shawn is constantly reminding me that it has been I who has made it through. That everyone else was just there watching from the shore. Perhaps throwing out life rafts from time to time. I think he gives me way too much credit.
So as this year is now moving on, and I have been off all of my medications since October and I have held a job this entire time! The anxiety is there, but low and manageable. The kids and I are adjusting to the new routine, and I am making my new house a home. The walls are covered with pictures of those that I love, and I feel safe once again.
