The Breath of Life

"What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset." ~ Crowfoot

Tonight has been a peaceful and tranquil evening. I was given a great gift tonight by a friend. A magnetic word "Memories" to hang on the wall. Since it is magnetic I am able to place photos on it. I already have the perfect place to put it! In conjunction another journal, beautifully bound with a mother and child on the cover. Warms my heart.

Additionally photos of a peaceful place were taken and shared with me. I am anxious to develop them so I may be surrounded by a tranquil feeling that gets lost with all of my muddle and the day to day living.

Each breath is a choice. We choose to live each day. The breath of life is within each of us, and it is these little things that we should be mindful of to keep making that choice. Enjoy that choice. The crisp smell of rain. Cold shallow breaths of the icy winter air. Goose-bumps and chills. Daisies, daffodils, dandelions. Laughter of children playing. Watching an elderly couple hold hands. These are the breaths of life that keep us alive.

By being mindful of these miraculous events we feed our mind, body, and souls with compassion, kindness, and peace. Thus bringing onto the world these emotions along with love and acceptance.

I am choosing to surround myself with these items that bring me my breath of life. Perhaps we all should.

Alliteration

This past week I have had two people point out to me that when listing a group of words that I feel best describes me or how I feel about myself at that point in time I tend to do so using alliteration.

Examples:

Prohibited, pathetic, poignant
Ignorant, insignificant, isolated, infinitesimal
Dismal, disastrous, depressed, desolate

In reading through my list I also find that I am using obviously negative adjectives. Through the process of relearning how to think, I believe I need to do a small word exercise to change that perspective perhaps. Here is my small attempt at positive alliteration.

Productive, Painter, Parent, Pleasant, Placid
Imaginative, Inspired, Intuitive
Diligent, Different, Desiree

While my list my not be correct and true all the time, I am still these things. The last of them being Desiree, me. I have been rereading some of my blogs tonight with a couple of friends. Humor is among my writings of struggle. Compassion is apparent. I am in there, somewhere. I will find me yet. Freedom to be myself or find out who that is appears to be the key. This is a reoccurring thought in my writings, and through the voices of two friends. Two people I would like to add, that I would not be speaking with  if it weren't for my downfall and struggles. My murky waters do bring clarity at times. The key is to hold on to that clarity and embrace it.

My home is in a process of becoming my sanctuary. Slow and steady, I will emerge. My house will be organized and represent me. Maybe through that representation I will figure out who that is.

"I think you have to  know who you are. Get to know the monster that lives in your soul, dive deep into your soul and explore it." ~ Tori Amos

This fairy remembers she has wings, but the use of them is still a mystery.

Lost In Thought

Yes, I am lost in thought. Being so lost means choppy writting. A lack of a smooth flow of words always makes me feel ignorant, uneducated, unable. Apologies ahead of time as you try to read through this.

This Christmas adventure has brought some amazing bonding times. It also has brought on some not so good vibes. Yesterday my sister Lizz, Nathan, and I went to Underworld to give my sister her first tattoo.

The excitement of bonding with a little sister is amazing, and until recently a struggle. As we sat and joked, looking through photos and ideas, I felt a close bond to her. This is an amazing thing to be there for, to give. A work of art that will forever hold a memory every time we look at it. I am proud and thankful of her decision of her design, ploacement, and how well she did under the needle. The only thing missing was our other sister. Our piercer was a good sport and stayed two hours after closing to accomodate us.

Of course the whole event was documented with my camera and I have some amazing pictures. To bond is to bring together, to renew, to hold, to love, to know, to accept.

They say good things come to those who wait. Well, affter almost twelve years I finally got the piercing I have been dreaming of. This is the only piercing I have been nervous of ever. Well worth the wait! Even this was documented by my sister and trusty camera.

I cannot help but feel through this bonding with my sister, that others were hurt or felt out of place. Bonding with certain people have been hard for me. I am still struggling with so many thoughts, wants, needs. With the year comming to an end I cannot help but to think about all that has transpried these past tweleve months. What I am thankful for, what I dread, what has brought tears and laughter.

One new niece, one new nephew. Loss of connections, a renewal of connections. A new dear friend, or maybe penpal, some things are not to be labled. A tragic loss. Three new piercings, no more hair. Memories that have surfaced. Feelings that I thought were gone and lost, coming back and tearing at me. It is amazing what we convience ourselves of, what we bury deep inside. Trying to lose it in transition. Some things will never resurface. Others, we only hope and wish. Then it hits you hard.

Lost in thought. As I sit and look around me, I see my family that I have missed so much. The family I ran from long ago. Things are different in many ways. In others, it is the same. The love, the undeniable acceptance, the lack of judgement. The safety of being surrounded and not alone. Yet, I am still terribly alone. My mind lost in thought.

Time to try and surface, pull myself up and out of the muddle mess of my mind. Time to play, converse, and enjoy the family I love.

Seeds of Perfection

Within all beings there is a seed of perfection; but compassion is required to activate that seed inherent in our hearts and minds.

• 12/18/10 4:28 AM Tweet by the Dalai Lama

Perfection. The state or quality of being or becoming perfect. The highest degree of proficiency, skill, or excellence, as in some art. A perfect embodiment or example of something. A quality, trait, or feature of the highest degree of excellence. The highest or most NEARLY perfect degree of a quality or trait.The act or fact of perfecting.

Perfect. Conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type. Excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement. 

Excellent. Possessing outstanding quality or superior merit. Extraordinary.

I never really felt that anything or anyone could be perfect. We all have flaws that make up who we are, it is a part of us. Perhaps though I am viewing this completely wrong.

If it were not for those flaws to make us unique from one another, we would not be individuals. The very definition of Perfection includes the highest or most NEARLY perfect degree of a quality or trait. That inclusion of nearly opens up so many doors for me. 

As we view our shortfalls, talents, should haves and will dos, we are veiwing ourselves with that ever critical eye of judgement. That ideal of perfection a goal we know we will never reach. What if, just possibly perfection is possible? I do not mean in the sense of physical appearance, or the state of never making mistakes. The perfection I am refering to is that of ones heart and mind. 

Once again compassion has came up in my mind. Specifically compassion to oneself. Through compassion I can view myself in a state of perfection. That ideal of perfection is a very personal definition and I do not believe that one definition fits for all people. 

Nearly perfect can include my continual self emprovment and awareness. If I successfully am continually working on me and doing so with compassion, then I can achieve that perfection.

Perhaps I am way off base on this one, but enlightment is possible. It may take many lives, but I am working on it!

Kindness

Random acts of kindness grow and multiply, a ripple in the pond touching all that is within the waters reach. Kindness is the soft drops of water kissing the surface of the blades of grass in the early morning light. Nourishing, refreshing, rejovenating.

“A kind heart is a fountain of gladness, making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles.” ~ Washington Irving 

If we all were to have hearts filled of kindness we would be walking temples of peace and love. This may sound a bit utopian for many, but our very auroas glow and send a warmth or a chill to others around. This can produce other auroas, souls, emotions, people, etc.. to change with that temperature, to change with that kindness and compassion or with the lack of.

We are thrown into the real world with the routine of daily living, or to many surviving, with so many pressures, timelines, needs, desires, obligations, all of which are roots of our own suffering. Constantly our mental lists of what needs to be done, what tasks are not completed, what needs to be done tomorrow are ever growing. Consuming our minds, our energy. If we were to sit down though, and note anything that is pleasing, every tiny little thing our energy may become rejuvenated, refreshed like the blade of grass soaking the morning dew. 

Many times the lack of appreciation shown to us for our kindness and good deeds bogs us down. We must remember though that the more important aspect of kindness is the cultivation in yourself of compassion and generosity. 

I believe kindness is the easiest and hardest act to bestow upon others. A simple smile, hello and how are you can go a long way. Yet we walk past the gentlemen walking his dog without any acknowledgement. We ignore the young girl upset in the park. Grumble about the mother with noisey kids waiting in front of us in line at the store. Sneer at the odd teenager with that strange haircut and piercing. No acknowldegment, no kindness. 

The hardest part about kindness, is that shown to yourself. We are our own worse critic.

As part of a meditation technique I have tried to change the kindness I show to myself hoping that it will spread like wildfire to radiate that kindness to others as well. A simple exercise of hope and goodwill. 

Sitting on the floor I close my eyes. I feel the heaviness of my breath that fills my lungs and I try hard to imagine my lungs expand to such a great fullfillment that they can actually feel my ribs embrace them. In essence I am hugging my lungs with my ribs. Yes you can laugh if you want, but for a moment pretend here with me.

I then try to draw my face, not in detail, just the contour of my face. I do this mentally pretending my hand is holding a stick and I am sitting inthe sand. I draw myself in the sand. Once done I stand up, look down at the little girl who drew that person in the sand and I hug her. I tell her that it is the most amazing picture in the sand I have ever seen. Why do I tell her this? Becuase this is what I would tell my daughter. 

Perhaps if we all excerised a little kindness to ourselves it would naturally allow us to be kind to others.

Freedom

"A friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself." ~ Jim Morrison

This past year has shown me a few things. One of them being that I do have people I am close to that not only receive my love, but returns it. That I have the friends I have sought for so long in my life.

When you become completely exasperated, breathless, and lost you end up chasing shadows. These are not typical shadows, rather shadows of the mind. Your own mind. There is no manual, no guide that can help you maneuver the path of least resistance. You only have the tools that you were taught, earned or given. We cannot define what these tools are until we need them and either have them or don't.

I was recently brought to tears by one "friend". She sent me a text saying that a country song by Sugarland reminded her of me, "Little Miss". Never hearing this song I went to YouTube and found it. As I read the lyrics and heard them sung, a knot was stuck into my chest. Heavy weight suspended in my rib cage pressing against my lungs sucking out my breath. Uncontrollably I cried.

I could not tell you how many times I have heard, "you are such a strong person". It almost makes me sick to my stomach. Seemed to me as an excuse for not really being there for me when I was weak. Truthfully, it was because I did not see me as strong.

Those words crossing the screen, reading them, I was astonished to see that someone saw good in me. That I am truly not a bad, lost, desolate soul. Strength does reside here within me. Denial, fear, I am not sure which, kept me from believing it, from seeing it.

Some actions cause a huge domino effect. Usually it is the smallest, tiniest action that will send a whole world spiraling into a direction that you never before thought  possible. We can either ride the tide, or exhaust ourselves trying to fight the current.

I want to take this time to say thank you to those who stood by my side. No judgement, just love and acceptance. A couple were surprising and uplifting. Others were the steady and true that I knew deep down would not give up. The common thread was the fact that I am free to be me. You can either walk out the door, or shave my head for me. At the end of the day I know this, I love you all that much more, those of you who stayed and helped sweep up the floor. Metaphorically speaking of course.

At first I was fearful. Afraid I would be living in a world that I would have to continue to hide myself from. Amazingly, I have many who embrace the eccentric person I am. Even as they shake their head as I do it. It is that head shake that says, wow, why would I expect anything else. Always accompanied by a smile or a smirk.

Now I will take this freedom and re-center myself spiritually. The freedom to me, from me.

Waking up this morning, I smile. 

Twenty-four brand new hours are before me.

 I vow to live fully in each moment 

and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion. 

(Thich Nhat Hanh, Present Moment Wonderful Moment)

Through practice of mindful living I will breathe in and out and feel joy and peace. I will not suppress myself causing suffering. I will embrace my inner Buddha, and hold it dear. Embrace the suffering that I cannot control, and find the insight needed to end the suffering I can. I will use my eyes of compassion I have for others, on myself.

Thank you for letting me be me, again.

Light and Dark

My hair is maybe a quarter of an inch long now. The complete baldness is slowly fading away and being replaced by a fresh new texture. In most places it is soft, some coarse. There appears to be no rhyme or reason for the direction it grows outward toward.

We often view ourselves with a large amount of prejudice. Comparing ourselves to so many other outlets such as people or the media. This is a misleading practice that I for one cannot seem to escape from doing.

The misleading effects of light and dark are like the absence of truth with prejudice. Light and dark construes the reality of our surroundings, leaving us only to trust appearances; these false appearances are like prejudice.

Dawn shows a sliver of light upon the ground, trees,  and houses, making the shadows flow into an abstruse shape, deceiving and defying the true shape of what they really are.

Daylight finally breaks through and now the light shapes the objects we see so we can define them. One knows were the table sits. Where the books are on the desk. If the door is open or closed. However, one still does not see the specifics. What color of cloth is lying on the table. The titles and authors of the books that are sitting on the desk. None of this is apparent. One sees that the object is there, but not what it truly is. 

Dusk comes and stretches out the shadows once again, giving the same effect of defiance as dawn did.

When darkness finally comes, one cannot see anything. Bumping into counters. Tripping over rocks. Receiving not a clue of what lies beside you. So you take out your flashlight and focus it upon the ground and the objects so as to not trip. Now, however, you are being deceived even more. Concentrating only on what you put the sharp beam of light upon. Nothing else around you.

The light blinds a person's view of things. Just as our own prejudicial thoughts of ourselves and others.

I find myself looking at a mirror more often now than ever before. Previously it has always been a brief glance. Is my hair in place? Makeup on without smears or smudges? What is in my eye? Allowing only a beam of light to hit certain parts to be apparent. This is not just with the physical appearance of ourselves, but the emotional and mental as well. We view slivers in full light without noticing the detail, or portions in a distorted light form.

Now I allow my eyes to trace the contour of my face. I am searching for the author of my book. Physically speaking I believe I am becoming more secure or at least more accepting of many of my attributes. It is a step of my ultimate and never ending goal of changing the way I think. How I think.

Shoppers in the store have stopped and stared at my lack of locks. Some look at me with pity. I only imagine they think I am fighting cancer. Others allow their lips to turn into small smiles before turning away so I may not see them laugh. Inside I am only observing and documenting these reactions. Personally it has not had the emotional effect on me as I thought it would.

Perhaps this shaving of my head is a cleansing that I needed. A way to look beyond what I see in the light or dark without my tainting of prejudice. The hatred or disappointment that seems to be there inside of me, who I am, or the lack of who I am.