The Stumbling of Strength

It has been ages since I have allowed any thoughts to flow from my mind onto this Mac. My travels away from the house and the "safety" of hiding from the world has done me good.

Myself, my son, and my daughter were in a car for over 40 hours. I am completely insane to want to spend that much time in a car with a 3 and 1 year old! The experience of it all was amazing, enlightening, and life changing.

We left Ulysses, Kansas and traveled first to Branson, Missouri. Spent a very short time with a few friends there. Met their wonderful son who is just a few months younger than Logan. They are friends of Nathan's. This is a family so rooted in the beliefs of God. Amazingly sweet and caring. I missed them the moment we left.

It was also the moment that I left them that I knew what I needed to do. What decision I had to make.

From Branson onto Knoxville. My admiration for my cousin is never ending. Such a strong, intelligent, compassionate, and honest person. Her ability to multitask and handle the hurdles of life never ceases to amaze me. Four wonderful days of gaining strength, encouragement. I do not think she realizes what an amazing person she is. I have always looked up to her and I am glad that in my time of my search for me, she was so willing to have me there.

The time spent taking pictures, conversing, watching the kids, and just observing her family is a memory I will forever hold dear. If you are reading this, I love you.

Leaving Knoxville we headed onto Nashville to visit someone I have not seen since I was little. I reflected on so many things in that short drive. I had made my decision long ago, now I had the strength to face it.

Nashville brought a comfort. Seeing this man and his family made me feel loved. This is someone I have not seen in years and they accepted me into their home and loved me as I am. As I am...what I concept I have learned this trip. Discussing with him the heavy issues weighing upon my heart, seeing the look upon his face. I knew I had been disappointing myself more than anyone else.

Nashville to Columbia. A long drive, more thoughts, more stumbling upon strength. Stumbling upon a reflection of what is, could be, should be. I almost skipped Columbia. Almost. I have been in constant thought of this man. Right after the storm hit, I had come across a picture of us together on one of my visits to Columbia to see the man I consider my brother, Shawn, and his best friend Russell. Staring at that picture, that smile, I wanted that back, I wanted me back. Who ever the hell that is.

So I did not skip Columbia. I needed to see this person just as much as I needed to see everyone else on my path. Watching our kids play together and accept one another was just awe inspiring, I am immediately in love with these amazing children. They fill me will laughter and hope, with will.

While  I am still in the process of formulating words for all that has happened on my travels and at certain spots in particular, I am thankful for all of it. Stumbling across emotions, strengths, pieces of myself that I did not know even existed. We have to stumble and fall in order to stand up and brush the dirt off of our knees, cleanse our wounds, and heal.

From Columbia to Meade, Kansas where I dropped off my children onto Denver to spend time with childhood friends. I spent the next day with my youngest sister, mother, and grandmother in Greeley, Colorado. My Great-Grandfather was having surgery. I believe this time together, as short as it was, was a healing process for all of us in a way.

Now back in Ulysses, I reflect. What has happened? The unexpected, in more ways than one.

This trip has shown me I am a decent mother, no one was lost, hurt, I did not lose my cool and make anyone walk home. :) I am capable of being on my own, I am capable of being strong and doing what is in my heart and mind, what I feel is the right thing for me.

I have been filled with anger and resentment for way too long. My feeling of being disrespected and used will not go away. I cannot get past the incident that has opened up so many scars. Being tired of insecurity, lack of safety in my minds eye, I am killing all compassion I have.

My decision has and will continue to change my life and my children's lives. Change is scary, sometimes though it is necessary, and always the one that is constant. Everything changes.

Many are confused and hurt, many are angered. I am losing some friends, but I am gaining freedom. Freedom from self hatred, freedom from this disgust, violation. Yes I am leaving behind and losing much, but I am also gaining.

This is far from a poetic account of what has happened, much I still do not feel free yet to express. I will in time. When the time is right. For now I need to apologize, in order for me to survive and live, I must end some things. I only hope that this will allow others to grow and begin their own journey of finding who they are. It is a miraculous journey, filled with pain, tears, ghosts, demons, hope, new found trust, and re-found acceptance and love.