Where My Path Currently Is....

"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person." ~ Gerard Way

With my children at their fathers for the week, my husband working, I have had my fair share of being alone in my thoughts. Two years ago my thoughts were so overwhelming, so heart wrenching, confused muddle. Unable to wade through the waters of ideas, scars, lies, and pressure. It was just two years ago I lost my pit, and for a brief moment my strength to begin to rise from the ashes of death.

I spent time walking tonight. Down my driveway to the mailbox, the crunch of leaves, dirt, rocks, and the wings of birds swooping by. My mind is full. In the present my mind is full, but manageable. It is filled with determination, sorrow, and hope.

There are moments that I question the path I took. Leaving, finding my freedom. I hate not having my children full time. It is tough not being able to be there the way mothers are suppose to be. This makes me question if this path was right.

Through the lens of a camera my mind races as my eye traces the barb water. I can hear my therapists voice, my mothers reassurance, and feel the supportive embrace of my husband. Every time I stop walking down my path and turn around to see where I have been, I question.

The honest truth is, I would not be alive if I had not fought for my freedom. My journals are filled with such self hate that I cannot even imagine going through that again. No hope, no belief in freedom or happiness. Just pain, anger, sorrow and desperation.

My children get to see me happy, healthy. I am a better mother now because I have hope. I am able to show them what a healthy relationship is. Give them stability, love, security. The man that I share my life with, loves them.

Whenever we stop to look at the path we left, we should stop. Don't even turn back. Close your eyes, and look straight forward. Out of the fire rises the Phoenix.

Leaning against the post I can see my hand resting. A moment of realization and reassurance. The path I am on is the one I should be on. It is my path. This is where I belong, and I am so lucky to have the man I do by my side. So fortunate to have two amazing children who deserve to have a happy, healthy mother.

As I stood on the steps of my home, I closed my eyes. The sweet breeze cooling my skin as I smell dirt, weeds, and fields. The low hum of the irrigation motor reminding me that things progress, change, and move on.

My wings work, I am worthy of them. Thank you to all who continue to support me, and remind me not to question my decision. I know I should not feel guilty for loving my freedom.