Freedom

"A friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself." ~ Jim Morrison

This past year has shown me a few things. One of them being that I do have people I am close to that not only receive my love, but returns it. That I have the friends I have sought for so long in my life.

When you become completely exasperated, breathless, and lost you end up chasing shadows. These are not typical shadows, rather shadows of the mind. Your own mind. There is no manual, no guide that can help you maneuver the path of least resistance. You only have the tools that you were taught, earned or given. We cannot define what these tools are until we need them and either have them or don't.

I was recently brought to tears by one "friend". She sent me a text saying that a country song by Sugarland reminded her of me, "Little Miss". Never hearing this song I went to YouTube and found it. As I read the lyrics and heard them sung, a knot was stuck into my chest. Heavy weight suspended in my rib cage pressing against my lungs sucking out my breath. Uncontrollably I cried.

I could not tell you how many times I have heard, "you are such a strong person". It almost makes me sick to my stomach. Seemed to me as an excuse for not really being there for me when I was weak. Truthfully, it was because I did not see me as strong.

Those words crossing the screen, reading them, I was astonished to see that someone saw good in me. That I am truly not a bad, lost, desolate soul. Strength does reside here within me. Denial, fear, I am not sure which, kept me from believing it, from seeing it.

Some actions cause a huge domino effect. Usually it is the smallest, tiniest action that will send a whole world spiraling into a direction that you never before thought  possible. We can either ride the tide, or exhaust ourselves trying to fight the current.

I want to take this time to say thank you to those who stood by my side. No judgement, just love and acceptance. A couple were surprising and uplifting. Others were the steady and true that I knew deep down would not give up. The common thread was the fact that I am free to be me. You can either walk out the door, or shave my head for me. At the end of the day I know this, I love you all that much more, those of you who stayed and helped sweep up the floor. Metaphorically speaking of course.

At first I was fearful. Afraid I would be living in a world that I would have to continue to hide myself from. Amazingly, I have many who embrace the eccentric person I am. Even as they shake their head as I do it. It is that head shake that says, wow, why would I expect anything else. Always accompanied by a smile or a smirk.

Now I will take this freedom and re-center myself spiritually. The freedom to me, from me.

Waking up this morning, I smile. 

Twenty-four brand new hours are before me.

 I vow to live fully in each moment 

and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion. 

(Thich Nhat Hanh, Present Moment Wonderful Moment)

Through practice of mindful living I will breathe in and out and feel joy and peace. I will not suppress myself causing suffering. I will embrace my inner Buddha, and hold it dear. Embrace the suffering that I cannot control, and find the insight needed to end the suffering I can. I will use my eyes of compassion I have for others, on myself.

Thank you for letting me be me, again.