Lost In Thought

Yes, I am lost in thought. Being so lost means choppy writting. A lack of a smooth flow of words always makes me feel ignorant, uneducated, unable. Apologies ahead of time as you try to read through this.

This Christmas adventure has brought some amazing bonding times. It also has brought on some not so good vibes. Yesterday my sister Lizz, Nathan, and I went to Underworld to give my sister her first tattoo.

The excitement of bonding with a little sister is amazing, and until recently a struggle. As we sat and joked, looking through photos and ideas, I felt a close bond to her. This is an amazing thing to be there for, to give. A work of art that will forever hold a memory every time we look at it. I am proud and thankful of her decision of her design, ploacement, and how well she did under the needle. The only thing missing was our other sister. Our piercer was a good sport and stayed two hours after closing to accomodate us.

Of course the whole event was documented with my camera and I have some amazing pictures. To bond is to bring together, to renew, to hold, to love, to know, to accept.

They say good things come to those who wait. Well, affter almost twelve years I finally got the piercing I have been dreaming of. This is the only piercing I have been nervous of ever. Well worth the wait! Even this was documented by my sister and trusty camera.

I cannot help but feel through this bonding with my sister, that others were hurt or felt out of place. Bonding with certain people have been hard for me. I am still struggling with so many thoughts, wants, needs. With the year comming to an end I cannot help but to think about all that has transpried these past tweleve months. What I am thankful for, what I dread, what has brought tears and laughter.

One new niece, one new nephew. Loss of connections, a renewal of connections. A new dear friend, or maybe penpal, some things are not to be labled. A tragic loss. Three new piercings, no more hair. Memories that have surfaced. Feelings that I thought were gone and lost, coming back and tearing at me. It is amazing what we convience ourselves of, what we bury deep inside. Trying to lose it in transition. Some things will never resurface. Others, we only hope and wish. Then it hits you hard.

Lost in thought. As I sit and look around me, I see my family that I have missed so much. The family I ran from long ago. Things are different in many ways. In others, it is the same. The love, the undeniable acceptance, the lack of judgement. The safety of being surrounded and not alone. Yet, I am still terribly alone. My mind lost in thought.

Time to try and surface, pull myself up and out of the muddle mess of my mind. Time to play, converse, and enjoy the family I love.