At The End Of My Rope

This was a question given to me by someone very dear to my heart. I hope that this person will not be hurt by me sharing my answer. Here is my reply.

"What do you do/think to help yourself when you feel like you aren't going to make it?"

My first question is, what exactly do you mean by when I feel like I am not going to make it? If it is reference of not going to succeed or be successful, then I try to think about all the other things I have accomplished, I write down a list of what I want to improve on or the baby steps~the little things, that I can do to make sure I am meeting some sort of goals to achieve my higher goal. This may make my time frame extend out much longer then I care for it to, but at least I can mark things off physically on a list for me to see, a true progress report that helps.

If it is in reference to surving life and continuing on, keeping myself from becoming a shell, dead inside just moving through the motions of routine, that depends.

I try to analyze, (yes I know I over analyze), what it is that has triggered my onset. This is a horrific task as I tend to not know or can not pin point one exact thing. I still try. I write down everything it is that seems to be upsetting me, and if that list is blank then I write down excatly how I am feeling...I do not allow numb to be the only answer.

For instance this week has indeed been a struggle, hard to go on, to move forward to be "alive", whatever the hell that means anyways. Why? At first thought I have no freaking idea. So this is what I know: 1) I am exhausted -physically and emotionally; 2) I am sad; 3) I feel like a failure; 4) I am overwhelmed.

I sit and stare at this and think why/what has led me to these?

1) Exhaustion – trying to do too much perhaps? Not enough? Thinking to much? Not thinking enough? Guilt? Perhaps the other three things led to this, perhaps I am getting ill, perhaps I am not truly exhausted

2) Sad – why? (blank)

3) Failure – I am behind at work, my house is a mess, I don’t get the time I want with my kids, I cannot cook, I am going no where in life, no accomplishments to show for, am I what I wanted to be, what did I want to be, what do I want to be, who am I now, how do I come across to people, who do I confide in, are they able to confide in me, have I forgotten anyone…

4) Overwhelmed – My house is way behind, I am way behind in my job, I am way behind on the truck stuff, I am barely keeping up with my kids, I give and give and give, do I have anything left to give, have I begun to take to much, what can I do, where do I start, I just want to cry…………

Honestly that is as far as I am right now with all of this. I think one feeds off the other and I think there are many more emotions that fit into one or more categories.

What is good with my life, what makes me smile:

1) My children ~ I love doing crafts with them, love the messy house afterwards that shows children are played with here. Like when we painted and Logan realized he was dirty, got off the chair and walked to the bathroom, little blue and purple painted footprints led all the way to the bathroom. I almost didn’t shampoo my carpet, it was beautiful.

a. When I don’t have them or they are asleep, I take pictures, I draw with charcoal, I have started a sanity book.

b. I have pet projects, throwing Thomas’s best friend’s lady a baby shower, I am going all out and out on it. LOVE IT!

2) My dogs ~ They love me no matter who I am or what I do, they just want attention and caring for something else is rewarding.

3) The corn. ~ Yes, I know that may be silly, but I love the corn. I love walking through it feeling the leaves and stalks scrape up against me, the bugs, the smell, it all reminds me that I am connected to something bigger then myself, to mother earth and she loves us all, all creations that have sprung from her very bosom. It shows she will nourish us, provide for us, we just need to work for it. It also makes me think of grandpa, and the farm, the tranquility I have when I walk around his yard, the junk in front of me showing a long life well lived. Fully lived.

4) Writing. ~ I have begun to write again and it helps. Sometimes its my public blog that picks just one tiny molecule of a thought from my swirling muddled mind and throwing it out there. Sometimes it is an intimate email to one of my two confidants that I trust with all I am, they never judge. Or it is a conversation with my Buddha, Jason Hoch. He helps me break it all down, not good not bad, just as is. Then view it from there. A reminder that we all have actions, consequences, and weaknesses, it is recognizing those and working through those without any prejudiced or judgmental thoughts from others and more importantly from ourselves that allow us to become more self aware, realize truly who we are.

When I have no strength, determination or will to do this analyzing and processing, or the things that relieve me of stress, that is when I do things that I probably shouldn't. If Nathan is home I have been drinking. Not a lot, just one beer or one mixed drink, it helps me sleep. I see my counselor once a week, this week I just sat there and cried, barely able to communicate anything. Other times I have a lot to say and it is productive. He listens and points out the other side of things, gives me suggestions on how to better handle situations, and when needed brings me back to "reality". He also helps validate my emotions, agreeing with the why's at times that I might feel or respond to something the way I do, validation is amazing. He is by far one of the better counselors I have ever had. I see a med doctor once every two weeks to once every 3 months depending on what we are doing with my meds and what my emotional state is in. I also read, currently I am working through 7 self help books. I suggest you picking up from the library, "The Cow in the Parking Lot, A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger.". Even if you do not have anger issues, the whole process it goes through works in my opinion with a lot of emotions and just the day to day living. I am also reading Emotional Awareness A conversation between the Dalai Lama and Paul Ekman. I have also purchased David Foster Wallace, "This is Water". A copy of a commencement speech he gave. It is small, short, and fits anywhere. I carry it with me in my purse/bag/glove box, and pull it out and read it all the time. It helps me get through these really rough times. I have fallen in love with this author. He understands what it is like to be overwhelmed in thought, life, depression. He committed suicide.

I exercise. I get out the wii fit plus and play on it. I run if I can, assuming Nathan is home to stay with the kids. I love getting to the point of pain while running, where your chest is so hot it feels like ice, like you are about to break, unable to breathe. Once you push just past this point of pain, it is an amazing exhilaration of freedom and relief.

I go to the cemetery. I have always loved them, the comfortableness, calmness, isolation. No one to empress, just walking from graveside to graveside. Talking to each one that I feel I must. Remembering and consulting the dead. It doesn't matter if I know them or not, it does not matter if they can hear me or not. I love the way I can relax, be alone in thought but not overwhelmed.

I write my obituary.

Sometimes I have to just be depressed and numb, sometimes you just have to feel that way.

That is what I wrote, but I want to add a few additional thoughts.

Tonight my mind is so full, I just want to shut it off so I can sleep and be ready for work tomorrow, prepared to leave my children. I can't turn it off. I feel these thoughts are probably natural, it is how we handle them that makes the difference.

If my sharing this publicly or privately helps one person to feel less alone, then I am not ashamed to share them.

"You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice . Every minute is a choice. to be or not to be." ~Chuck Palahniuk