Exhausted...

I have been sitting here trying to type something, anything out of my mind tonight. I need to release, I need to stay in the habit of self expression. Yet, I am faltering. I have felt numb, exhausted, and my mind is so overwhelmed it is almost blank...finally. Now that it is blank however, I am uncomfortable, nervous, and solicitous about this blank state of mind. Strange, I yearned for this, and now that I have it, I don't want it.

I suppose I feel this way because of the mental exhaustion that finally allowed it to happen, something beyond my control, or at least something I believe to be out of my control. In reality we all have control over our emotions, or in the least in the way we express those emotions. I just finally cried and broke down enough these past few days that I am just numb, enervated.

A lot has been jumbled inside since returning home. Many things are slowly changing, and others not changing fast enough. I question my ability to hold onto a normal facade of life; trying hard to dissimulate my true feelings, my true internal identity, so I may fit in, so my children can fit in. Hell for that matter trying to understand and develop my own identity.

I am trying to focus on what these actions of my past and present are, not view them as good or bad. Just as is. Thus learning from them, to grow, evolve. That is what we are suppose to do right?

When I came home today at lunch, I stepped out my back door to let my pups out of the kennel, it is then I realized how much more the corn has turned colors, changing. I felt so powerless, so frustrated at the realization once again of the loss of control we all have in our lives. No matter what type of mood I am in, no matter what I do for a living, one thing will stay the same. Time will move on, and the seasons will change. My corn will be harvested, leaving an empty field, abandoned, disgraced. I wonder if the land feels disrespected having the all nourishment it provides to us reaped and stolen, over used, over worked.

As we came home tonight and pulled into the garage my daughter and I were discussing how windy it was. We watched it swirl the top of the stalks of corn around in little circles, having it wave, almost dance. The dirt from the road was being lifted and carried easily over the rough, buffalo grass I call a yard. How things move on, and we cannot control it even when we want to.

I don't want time to move right now, I am missing too much as it is. Leaving each day, having my children be raised by someone else, leaving very little time and ability for me to inspire and leave a mark on them. I wonder what they will think about of me later on in life. I know my own feelings and thoughts about my childhood has changed and been rethought about and changed back so many times, and yet I still come to the same conclusion. Will I be as lucky in the future to have my children's heart be filled with warmth, forgiveness, acceptance, thankfulness, and love, as I do for my mother? I hope so.

I feel as though I am weighted down tonight, one stone on top of the other. A slow burial that makes you feel helpless, heavy, unable to move to stop it and yet it is a slow enough burden I should be able to stop it.

Nathan called tonight and told me to look out and look at the sky.

There is a harvest moon tonight, but upon the first glance all I could see was dark, hardly a star in the sky. I felt as though even the sky knew the darkness, the emptiness floating inside of me tonight. Yet, there was the lighthouse beacon, the harvest moon.

"Where is the white moon?" my daughter asks out of nowhere, I think quickly, momma needs an answer. "The moon has changed colors tonight, it wanted to be a different color just as we want to where different clothes." "Why? The moon doesn't wear clothes, why change color?" Crud, I almost panicked.."to help the corn change colors so we may harvest it. It will eventually be the same color as the moon." "Is it the same as the white moon?" "Yes it is the same as the white moon, just a different color. Like momma, sometimes she has dark hair and sometimes she has light hair." "Is that why there are no stars?" Oh no, another tough one...where does she get this inquisitive mind that breaks down each bit of information and analyzes it? "I think the stars are just sleepy tonight, perhaps the moon wanted to be by herself."

The conversation is over and she climbs into my lap asking if she can sleep with me tonight. This is normally against our rules, but she has left her lion at her aunts, and she says she does not want to be like the yellow moon, she does not want to be alone.

She lays her head on my chest and we say one of our good night blessings:

Mother of all things, watch over me tonight,

Hold me in your arms, until the morning light.

Blessed be the mother goddess, by all her many names.

May she bless my family and friends.

May she bless the animals of the world,

and all people everywhere.

Diana, goddess of the moon,

Shining in the sky above,

Bathe me in your magical light,

And protect me with your love.

It is with this I say good night, and turn off the computer. It is time to rest our minds so we can explore tomorrow. I am thankful I have her to turn my thoughts into simple pleasures, or to cease them when they are to loud.