Reflection of Grief

I am not even sure where to begin. My lack of writing has been hard on my thoughts and awful for my sleep. So I am going to make an effort to write again...

With the whirlwind of changes that my life is going through I am a little on edge. Most of the changes are exciting, good, and beneficial. These are stepping stones that are allowing for a path in a new direction, one I would not have even considered four months ago. My husband tells me everything happens for a reason, that it will all work out in the end. His faith leaves me in wonder and awe.

I on the other hand, need explanation and answers. In the end it balances out. 

There are though a few events I am still processing. Recently I have learned that a person whom cared for me and my sisters has lost her life. She was strangled to death by her boyfriend (allegedly at the time of this blog he has not been convicted, but did admit to it while being detained for another offense). 

This has brought up old fears and memories that I rarely visit. There were so many people that I cared for deeply that I had to let go of when I left home. The inability to watch them destroy their lives by choosing to live the lifestyle they had chosen for themselves was stronger than my ability to keep a relationship moving. 

Drugs have the ability to change a person. They will do things they wouldn't have if they were sober. Physically meth destroys you. Mentally it can break you. In this case I believe that it was a major factor in the domestic violence that led to the death of this woman.

I am working on a small project to help me with closure and the grieving process I am slowly allowing myself to go through in regards to the tragic loss of this woman. Additionally I am trying to rebuild on a couple of relationships that I have allowed to wither. It has also made me analyze and admit where my boundaries should be with others. 

The difficulty of saying goodbye now in this case is hard. The attempt to let go of this relationship in the past I thought was finalized. Now that it is final, I feel immense guilt in avoiding the attempted contact that was given me. Why did I not just accept it? What was I afraid of? The only answer I have is that I was protecting myself. By choosing to not have a relationship with people who are living in that type of lifestyle I am making a feeble attempt to not get close. So when the drama, death, illness, jail time, and chaotic events happen, I am not as emotionally drained or exposing my children to such events.

So why is this hitting me so hard? Because I did not properly say goodbye before hand. What if? What if one thing I said, one picture I sent, gave a moment of happiness? What if that connection could have given a moment to another of not feeling alone? An escape from what sounds like was a rough and unhappy life?

I know that one moment isn't much, but really when you think about it, that's all we really have. One moment to live at a time. It is that one moment, one memory added with another that leaves us with a life that we can say we LIVED.

What if is an awful game that we as people tend to play. Instead of playing it, I am going to attempt to improve the relationships I have now and not lose that opportunity again.

“What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived. It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.”  ~Nelson Mandela~