“Dream all that your soul will allow, but give your heart what your mind knows.” ~ Desiree
I found this in an old poetry book of mine. I know it was written before 2001, the picture I found with it I was about 15. Therefore I think it was someting I jotted down around that time period.
Staring at these words combined with the words I heard tonight, I am heavy. The weight of wondering, debate, descion, judgement of who I am by me is choking me. No wonder I feel cornered by others when their judgements come to me. My own judgements of myself have me drowning in a river of self hate.
Desperate for affection, approval, connection. What has this brought upon me? What has this done to me? Past and present actions have been driven by what I felt, what I could dream. I have always tried to be a rational person. Allow my mind to guide me. Thus rarely allowing my heart to lead, but my mind the guiding light.
Where has this left me? When your guiding light is a broken, dirty lamp, what can you expect but to become lost?
What kind of person am I? I am a person seeking for strength and sanity. The source of both are gone. I have no idea what my mind knows. My heart a source I cannot look upon. I am scared to know what kind of soul I have. It is tarnished with pain, disillusions, fear, loneliness, need, betrayl.
When this life is over, we desire to be able to look back and say I was a good person. I have done no harm, if I did harm I tried not to do so again. When this life is over, I desire to say I loved and was loved. I accepted and was accepted. I meant something to someone, and to myself.
Mental illness is a struggle that will never end. I first must accept that. There is no cure, no pill, no exercise that will make this torment go away. Sanity must be overrated.
Sitting, meditating, clarity being achieved briefly has brought about a small piece of calm. Tonight I wlll breath deeply, allow this to pass. See what tomorrow brings, what bridges I can rebuild. The decisions of what to do shall come to me. Patience, hope and faith in the fact that peace will come to me is necessary.
With the loss of the dreams my soul has or had, my mind will be unsure of what it knows, leaving my heart broken. Thus creating an insanity that does not allow for a chance of hope.
“Lose your dreams and you might lose your mind.” ~Mick Jagger
Desiree, You shared that your own judgments of yourself have you drowning in a river of self hate. My heart hurts for you. I know that Jesus Christ loves you. He sees past our wrongs and is a connection,who gives affection and approval for each of us. Matt. 11:28 Jesus says Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentile and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. John 8:12 Jesus said he is the Light of the world. You don't have to worry about a guiding light that is broken, dirty or worry about being lost when you allow Jesus to be your light. Jesus says being a "good person" isn't enough. You have to GIVE your Life to HIM, letting Him be your Light in the darkness, and HE will wash your soul CLEAN AS SNOW. Isaiah 1:18 Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; Though they are red as crimson they shall be like wool. Desiree, Jesus Loves YOU. You have been living without Christ all your life, it doesn't seem that you are content, peaceful or happy. Please give Jesus a try.
ReplyDeleteJohn,
ReplyDeleteI almost used this quote at the end, "What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God." ~ Eleanor Powell
Thank you for the versus and for reading. Your input is always appreciated and treasured.
My dear sweet Desiree,
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you. I can also say I've been in that dark place. We have had the religion talk and you know I believe an trust in the lord Jesus Christ. I do agree with John. I know you're not happy, I do feel if you give Jesus a chance you will have peace and a happy heart that you have never experienced before. I can say this because of my own personal experience. We all have doubt but that's what makes us human. Let him in and he will help you with that doubt. Let me be clear. I'm not trying to force Jesus or religion on you. That is your choice. I do however feel if you give him a chance the demons that have burdened you your whole life will merely disappear and exist no longer. I love you so much and whatever you decide its not my place to judge., but as your friend I will always be their for you, right, wrong or indifferent. Remember your always beautiful to me inside and out.
love always,
Mandy