One Hour, Fourteen Minutes

“It’s an OCD day. My house will benefit from it! My daughter is hiding from this, my son embracing it.” Facebook status 2 hours ago.

“I don’t have enough meds to make the “world” in my head disappear. Maybe it isn’t all in my head. Maybe it is. Maybe the little fat fairies need to say something smart pretty damn quick.” Facebook status 46 minutes ago.

What the hell happened in one hour and fourteen minutes? 

I  heard the words again. The simple utterance of a single sentence that made my blood boil. My  stomach knot up. Leaving my head spinning and my eyes seeing red. 

Wakeing early this morning I just laid in bed waiting to hear the voices of my precisous children as they awoke from their own slumber. The night before was good, great almost. I discovered that while I am still technically challeneged, I think I am better than average. It felt like a small triumph being able to accomplish this silly little task. Even if it did take way to long.

My phone rang with a text greeting and then later with a phone call. 

Breakfast, just cereal. Kids being silly. Dogs rowdy. A smile gracing my face. Music in the background playing along. The variety of which I listen to it has no rhyme or reason. Nothing really has a theme.

Energetic. Slightly excited. I look at my house and think, “My goodness what a disaster.” The kids are putting puzzels together so I start in on the kitchen. Dishes first, then the stove. Put away pans. Clean the fridge. Look a beer! Laundry. Playdoh for the little ones come out. Sandra gives up quickly and asks to look at pictures on the computer.

I make a phone call. Check in. Have a text debate over some philosphical question. Miss a call. Return a call. Wait...there it is.  In a simple hour and fourteen minutes my ambtion turns to anger. 

Now I sit here, drinking that found beer. Bud light, glass bottle, hidden in the back of the fridge behind the butter. Almost knowing that today was it’s last day in the fridge. 

What happened in that small time frame? The answer can be one of several options. Or a mixture of all options. Perhaps just the odd ones.

What made me feel so threatened? So pushed against a wall that turned my ability to make the day one of accomplishments to one consisting of sitting here thinking and drinking a beer?

The question arose at some point in time today, do we conquer or embrace our thoughts? Can I have life skills for a hundred please? 

I am going to light my candle and meditate. The clarity of right mindfullness is yet to be achieved. With time, clarity, and knowledge, I will awake.