The Turning of the Waters

The past forty eight hours has been an awful turning of the waters inside me. My muddled mess of a mind is reaching out and pulling all of the glorious items around me into this black hole of desperation and pain.  Working on knowing yourself, and loving yourself is a never ending battle, or adventure depending on the way my mind views it at the time.

We all hold baggage. That is the plain simple truth. The heavy load we carry contains the positives and the negatives of the life we have experienced and the expectations of the outcomes of what may come in the future because of them. Some of my memories that I find to bring smiles and comfort are amazing. I remember making snowmen with my mom and sister Crystal out of marshmellows and pretzels. Playing in the cornfields with peers in school. Skinny dipping in the fishing whole in Yuma. Playing Skibo with friends. When Tribbett dressed up in a dress for my Spanish video. Sitting at Bernie's with friends drinking beer. Going to the lake with friends as they "experience" life. The first time I saw the ocean with Nathan. Just to name a few.

Other memories are the darker ones, the ones that suck us dry and spit us out. It is taking these memories, these emotions and learning to forgive first ourselves, then others for them. Some things are easier to let go than others. A few we even work out, or at least we think we do and when history repeats itself we are thrown into the depths of hell trying to claw our way out. Rape, broken hearts, friends lost to death, drug abuse, or other life experiences that so many of us go through. They all leave their mark.

The past couple of days have been hell. Arguing with my husband, the attempt to end one chapter so I may survive to heal and live the next chapter. It has been hell, I feel as though I have been cornered, a cat stuck in the very back of the room full of sleeping dogs and rocking chairs.

Many turn to faith to help them heal and move on. Some of this healing appears to be just pretending the events never happened. Some of this healing is true healing. This morning I was able to attend a brunch with my Sister in Law at her church. The church is celebrating its 100th year. I found this to be an amazing event. Sweet people, wonderful voices singing in the glory that they believe in. A strong connection between these women in the congregation.

I am still not for "organized religion", but the thought of being a Buddhist Christian is more appealing to me now than before. Some argue that you cannot be that, I argue you can. That debate is for another time, another blog.

With faith we can overcome so much, with faith we can heal. Now when I say faith, I mean faith in general. Faith in yourself, faith in God, faith in your abilities, any faith.

My anger is still so prevelant, so strong. I must get away from the source of that anger in order to heal from it. I try to be a compassionate person, I try to be patient and understanding. Lately though I am far from that. This upsets me. I just want to look in the mirror again, I mean look in the mirror and not be disguisted with what I see. A person that allows herself to be violated, used, and continuously unworthy. The only way to do this is by finally truly forgiving myself of so many things. To look at my baggage and decide to cleanse my soul of it.

Working on oneself is a continual process, a life long process.

As is my typical way of closing a thought, here is the quote of the day.

"Look within. Within is the fountain of good, and it will ever bubble up, if thou wilt ever dig." ~ Marcus Aurelius