I feel as though I owe an explanation for the recent event that has taken place. My poor mother I can only imagine how she feels right now.
The storm, I thought had past. I must have only been in the eye of it. Last night, after a much stressful and cornering weekend, I cracked. Life as we know it is hard. I get that. Nothing comes without a price. We all have our demons. I could go on with these metaphorical and sensible items. Life just sucks at times.
With my loss of control, my ability to make my own decisions I was done. Done with life, done with my situation. Not having a choice in what you need, want, feel is right with you life, is indescribable. I get that life is harder for many others than myself. Life is tough and it takes work. It takes work to reinvent the way you view life, the way you think and perceive.
The only thing I had left that I had a say in was what I could do to my own body. Hence the hair is gone. So much more would have been if Nathan would have allowed it to be. Right now I just need to be in charge of me, the ability to know that I can do what I feel is right. What I know is right. Many of the people who struggle to live in a society that deems them abnormal, that try to control them, they simply perish from the world. Their very being is slowly killed and taken from them. What type of life is it to live if you cannot pursue the life that would make you whole and happy.
I am astonished that so many have responded to my outburst. More so the fact that these people are the ones I went to school with. Thank you for showing me how blessed I am. This thought is something I will try to hold onto as I continue my struggle to survive and reach my goal of what I desire for myself.
There goes my being a good mother. For the first time I have put myself before them. That is the only thing I regret about my loss of hair. That and how hard it is going to be to get a job now.
Here is to striving for what you want in life, to finding yourself and the continual survival of just surviving.
"We all suffer alone in the real world; true empathy's impossible" ~ David Foster Wallace
How do you feel about it now? I just want to know what this means?........."So much more would have been if Nathan would have allowed it to be." Send me a message k. Talk to ya soon sweet bald one!
ReplyDelete~J
P.S. Sometimes the worst tradgedies in life may contain seeds of the best. Try not to view everything as solely terrible as new positive things could be on the horizon...
Des,
ReplyDeleteI read that your set up to be in desire for so much because you know your name is just spelled desire with an E on the end (disiree) now that my attempt to be somewhat humorus has ended, lemme explain this, you don't have to explain anything to me or anyone else. i didn't comment on your pic because i knew that your such a free spirit that i knew that it's who you are.
what else is there to say, i support you des, no matter what you do, you have my support,
Mike Cook
Well, as for getting a job, there are always wigs for the interview. They can't fire you for coming in bald after they hire you! LOL
ReplyDeleteI'm here for you, even though I doubt you will turn to me. Praying for you and your family.
Have you ever thought about writing a book or poems? I must say you have a incredible sense for words. Even when you write about dark things you make it beautiful. Maybe you won't need a job. Maybe by me saying this you will be inspired to write a best seller. I do mean that your words are beautiful and sad and I can feel what you're going through by reading your thoughts. It's just a thought. I love you dearly and you know I'm here for you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Mandy