We often admire the butterfly, the colors, designs, the beauty of which this amazing art of nature flutters through the air bouncing onto flower tops, landing and taking off again in ease. Rarely do we remember that is not how the butterfly began.
The butterfly goes through a complete metamorphosis. First an egg is laid on a plant, a caterpillar emerges and eats and eat and eats. It will split and shed its skin about four to five times, growing up to 100 times its original size. Once full grown it will finally stop eating and become a chrysalis. Special cells growing rapidly becoming legs, wings, eyes and other parts of the beautiful butterfly. Finally the amazing butterfly emerges. This adult butterfly mates, lays eggs and the cycle begins again.
As I have read over some of my past blogs, I realize how cold and distant so many of them sound. I am shocked and amazed at how close I came to losing myself completely.
Two weeks ago today I my married my best friend. There was a constant fear at the surface of going through this again. Losing my name and my independence. I had gained so much in the past year. What was I thinking to gamble it all away on a hope or a dream?
That day I was surrounded by my fairies, my family, my friends, and more importantly my husband. I was not alone in any step along the way. It was amazing to see how supportive my two closest female friends were with everything. Reassuring, fun, and encouraging. They both knew my deepest fear, and knew that it wasn't going to be something to truly worry about.
If you have read through my blogs to this point then you will remember the story of the fairy looking for her wings. I was given this gift from a friend the night before my wedding, it was a picture of a fairy and she had this written on her "Worthy". Underneath it read, "As she took the journey back to her wings, she embraced the truth, that she was worthy and that she was enough, just as she was, imperfections and all."
How completely perfect, this ending and this beginning. All of which was summed up on this picture. Worthy.
My wedding day was not extremely hectic, nor overly stressful. Pictures were fun, the ceremony went well, and dinner was amazing. Our cake was perfect with our little farm animals, windmill and sunflowers. My bouquets of wheat and yucca plant pods combined with a little bit of color of flowers. This wedding was truly symbolic of who I am, correction who we are. It was an example of not only us as a couple but as a family.
My son wanting to be with "His Shawn" all through out pictures. Smiling in them from ear to ear. My daughter wanting to dance with her "Daddy Shawn". The four of us dancing together as a family. I playing in the wishing well with the children while Shawn played a good host and talked to our guests. Allowing each of us to be in our comfort zone and yet be able to meet back together again. It was later though when we were looking at our photographs that were taken that I realized exactly what all that meant.
I see in his eyes the way he looks at me. As though I am that butterfly, I am that fairy who has found her wings and knows how to fly. The center of his world, the one that warms his heart. He loves me unconditionally, just the way I am. I am worthy.
I see how happy I am. The way my smile comes so naturally. The ease at which I allow his arms to come around me. I have no hesitation about him leading the way, because I know he is going to not walk in front of my but beside me. Hand in hand through out life. There is no one that I know would be able to look at these pictures and say, "no these two do not really love each other". There is so much love and mutual respect that I have had so many people comment on it.It is not just the way he looks at me, it is the way he touches me. Holds my hand, moves my hair behind my ear, places my check inside his hand. All of that is love, compassion, intimacy, it is enagua.
It's the smiles and the laughter of our children as they run to him. Excited to see him come home. To be near him. To talk with him. How he grins, and is ready to talk to them about their days. It is the hard moments when we have to give them back. How we both feel a little lost, unsure and sad about not having them in our home.
I look back at these pictures, and each time tears begin to form. They slowly flow from my eyes and down my cheeks. It is not because I am sad, but because I am relieved. I am free. I may have changed my label, but the ring on my finger was placed there not as bondage but as a reminder of our continued connection to one another. "Do you Shawn take Desiree to be your wife, to be her constant friend, her partner in life, and her true love? To love her without reservation, honor and respect her, protect her from harm, comfort her in times of distress, and to grow with her in mind and spirit?
Even our hand picked vows could not have been a more explanation of how our relationship is. We are first and foremost the others constant friend. Our love for one another has no reservation, no limitation. We are equals on the playing field of intelligence. Constantly encouraging one another to grow. Spiritually we may be at different ends, but our deeper respect for one another keeps it growing, mending, changing us. Strengthening one another. At times challenging the other but never to change ones mind but to rather allow to grow and become more. Ultimately for us to become more one.
Those photos shows me how much Shawn is the center of my world, he and my kids. My love and understanding and patience is never ending for them. They are my family. My life, my love. They show that I am the center of his world, I and the kids.
When I see how he looks at me, I become slightly bashful and fearful that this is a fairy tale come true and that I will lose this. Then he puts his arms around me and all fears slide away like rain drops off of grass. To have him place his hands on my arms and to say if you ever need to know how beautiful you are, all you have to do is to see yourself through my eyes, my eyes alone. I melt, relax, and realize that he speaks of the truth form the heart.
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~Lao Tzu
To my dearest husband,
Thank you for giving me strength, accepting my courage, taking me as I am, and showing me my beauty. For allowing me to have our day of celebration to be taken in a church of god, and then into my realm of spirituality of a corn field.
You are truly an amazing man that I am so lucky to have by my side.
To Jeannie and Kristin and my family thank you for seeing all of this and knowing that we weren't rushing things, that we had indeed made the right choice, for there is no other choice in this fairys story but to follow her heart so her wings my flutter.
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